Raw Recap: The Aftermath of WWE Construction Traffic

Before we get into Raw, I should again express my dismay in the bullshit that was dubbed a pseudo-PPV in WWE Roadblock.  If you watched Roadblock and you expected anything to change, you’re probably not going to be a fan of much of what I have to say.

Anyway, here is Monday Night Raw:

We kick off with an abrupt New Day promo.  If you want a Booty-Os box, go get it.  It’s on wweshop.com now, but it comes with a tshirt in it, not cereal which sucks.

I get it, we kick off with the only match that was guaranteed to be on the card, but if you spend days building to the idea that Vince, Shane, Taker, H, and probably Mick Foley are on this show, it’s a lackluster open.

League of Nations are, as New Day refer to them, League of Booty.  There’s no purpose for them, at all.  Enzo and Cass should have been called up a long time ago and plugged in here but you’ve got these overpaid pieces of the roster that have to have something to do.

Someone will also have to explain to me why this was for the tag titles even though it was Xavier Woods instead of Kofi.  I’m confused.  Kofi got hurt at Roadblock didn’t he?  He hit hard, it looked bad.  I love the idea that he took a night off, but take the titles off the table because we know the titles aren’t changing hands with a fill in team member in the ring.  I’d much rather them come out next week, say there’s no challenger, then Enzo and Cass come out and prove to be their equals on the mic.

I see no point in the LoN beatdown, if they aren’t going to bring another team out for any reason, there’s no purpose here.  You don’t have to make the League of Nations look strong, we get it already.

And nothing……

Maggle gets to build LoN up, and there’s no reason for it.  I get no value here.  Alberto Del Pec Flex is still a douchebag, and the rest of the LoN are far too talented to have to deal with this sort of poor writing.

………

Oh, here comes Dean Ambrose fresh off his loss at WWE Merging Delays.

You did wrestle your heart out, you absolutely did.  You went toe-to-toe with a man who is an absolute legend and you put on a show.  You weren’t meant to win, you weren’t going to win.  But you guys were the second best match of the glorified house show.  We’ve been waiting for a follow up Dean Ambrose promo.  AND OH HELL YEAH HERE COMES THE BEAST!!!!!!!

But with that Beast, we get the same promo from Paul Heyman we’ve gotten 1,000 times, who still has his job because he shamelessly plugs the wwenetwork like no other.

Ambrose has a crowbar, for no reason.  Would be like a bumblebee stinging a cave bear.  Would likely just piss it off.  And you don’t piss off the Conqueror.

……….

Now we’ve got Ryback (which is clearly an homage to Under Siege) V Sin Cara.  This has potential, not as much as Ryback V Kalisto would have, but I guess when you get to the point where you’ve got a 300 lb meathead and you need him to face a luchador you give him the older one that doesn’t move as fast so he can look strong on Raw.

I won’t lie to you, I think Ryback is talented, and if he would work more cardio he’d be able to run long matches.  The problem with the comparisons to Goldberg is that Goldberg ran long matches.  Go back and watch that ridiculous bloodbath he had with Lex Luger at Halloween Havoc.  Holy shit.  That was a great match.  Lex Luger worked it like a pro even though he was getting beat to hell the whole time.

I don’t know why it had to be this title if Ryback was going to go heel and go after a belt.  Brass ring promos don’t exactly lend themselves to going after what seems to be considered the lowest belt on the card, even if Cena gave it legitimate credibil….. LolCenaWinz.

………….

Now we get the Authority.  Got no explanation for why the opening promo of Raw is delayed to the 2nd hour, but whatever.  It’s Triple Fucking H, so here we go.

Why would you expect anything but a promo about authority always winning?  Doesn’t matter. He’s been a consistent piece of 20+ years of your life, and whether or not you like Triple H, you know damn well he’s great at what he does.  It’s supposed to be a ridiculously heel move to have this theme that just plays him up as the supreme overlord, but he is, he is The Game, he is the King of Kings.  He’s carried this shit forever, and he’s built NXT into a powerhouse that if it was capable of breaking free could overtake WWE.  And you love him for it.  You absolutely love him.  Want to make him a heel, remind people he’s a heel by putting him against Dean Ambrose in the …..

Thought process died.  Dolph Ziggler’s music hit and I marked the hell out.  Sweet pink shirt, seriously.  I love Ziggler.  The Ziggler-Owens match saved FastLane.

Quality promo when he was allowed to speak.  He does, dude works every show they have.  He is at all the house shows they can put in front of him.  He puts it out there for every show he has to work.  Watch him superkick santa at the house shows in December, he posted videos on Twitter.  Just awesome.

Why does Stephanie McMahon feel the need to relentlessly sound like Vince?…..Oh holy shit what?????  Triple H V Ziggler?????  I just expected him to have to face the LoN 4 on 1.

………

Let me take a moment while we have Triple H leaving slowly so we can hear Motorhead to point out my love of Byron Saxton.  The internet community does not like him.  I’m well aware.  But seriously, listening to Byron on commentary when he isn’t completely browbeaten by Cole and JBL he has this unbelievably endearing childlike quality and it’s like I’m watching the show with myself as a kid.  I love it.  I want a show where we get Saxton, Corey Graves and Renallo.

………..

Kevin Owens is on commentary for Sami Zayn V Miz.  I can’t complain about the matchup because these two should be able to work a great match, but what I have to gripe about is that Miz isn’t given the opportunity to talk.  Miz is such a talented mic guy.  I put him on par with Heel Jericho.  He carries segments that are twice as long as they should be with ease.  And he’s a talented wrestler, he headlined Wrestlemania for fuck sake.

So here we go, Miz V Sami.  El Generico got off to an early start, backflip moonsault off the barricade.  The star of Santa’s Little Helper, that ungodly terrible Christmas film, tried to come back, but he was clearly meant to job here.

Owens was up, but Miz clotheslined him in the back.  Lackluster, speedy match.  It could have been a lot longer and showcased just how good both of these guys are.  At least Miz didn’t have to take some ridiculous amount of punishment in this one, he’s better than that.

………..

The ever beautiful Renee Young has to deal with a bunch of sweaty foreign dudes.  That’s not racist.  She’s literally interviewing the LoN two hours after their match and somehow they are all still dripping with sweat.  It wasn’t even a remotely cohesive promo either.  #MakeAmericaGreatAgain

…………

Oh, yay, Brie Mode.  I think it’s tag team, it’s a women’s match so it’s undoubtedly a tag match.  They aren’t going to give them their rightful due in order to build to a match at WM after they randomly gave Natalie Natalya whatever the hell Lady Hart a title match at Construction Traffic.

So here we go (and yes, they teased that DB was in Pittsburgh but hey, you didn’t expect him to show up and steal the focus did you?).

………….

Son of a bitch, make me cry Raw.  Make sure you make Steph McMahon not seem like a bitch 20 minutes after you tried to make her seem like the worst, then have Daniel Bryan at the Pittsburgh Children’s Hospital, sobbing like a child.

………….

So back live on Monday Night Raw, randomly Naomi and Tamina are in the ring, and Lana is on the way to the ring.  It makes no sense.  So DB retires, then you get the Brie Bella posts that she is doing the same because they want to have kids.  Now you have Brie in a feud that has absolutely no purpose whatsoever because neither of these women are ever going to be in the title picture.  Seriously.  Brie has gotten so much better in the ring.  But she’s not going to hang around long enough to ever be as good in the ring as her sister.

Yeah, this match started and ended, and nothing actually happened.  (If you’re lucky, they won’t put any of this bullshit on you Hulu broadcast).

……………

Then we get into the ridiculously stupid Social Outcast promo for Burger King.  WTF?  This will not be on your Hulu version either.  Count your blessings, they are numerous.

………………

JoJo is in the backstage area doing a promo with Paige, who is around about as often as The Undertaker here lately.  Now Lana is back there taunting her.  Is this the build to another triple threat match at Wrestlemania?  Is this their audible because Brie Bella is horrible in promos and she needs Paige to help out.  Now Team Bad is here to back up Lana.  Creative, YOU ARE BETTER THAN THIS.  YOU HAVE BETTER TALENT HERE THAN THIS.

Also, don’t let Tamina be the face of fear.  We all know she’s the child of an accused violent murderer.  Chill until that heat cools.  Then again you’re the company that used the death of Flair’s son, you know….the guy who is a 2 time hall of famer and 16 time world champ, as part of a promo so maybe you just have zero soul whatsoever.

………..

Charlotte promos backstage with Ric smiling like a creepy son of a bitch behind her.  It wasn’t bad.  Listen to our podcast.  I feel so 50-50 about Charlotte.  I don’t even know what to say anymore.

…………..

Load the dishwasher, check the laundry, you’ve got 15 minutes because the Usos are on their way out.  I won’t recap it, I won’t ever recap it.  They are awful.  They are boring as all fuck.  I hate them.  I have so much trouble getting through a segment that involves them.

But if you need it, Usos V Social Outcasts (I’m not sure which two although Bo Dallas is in a fantastic singlet).  The Dudleys were out for commentary but they left half way through and walked up the ramp talking trash for no reason.  Usos win while the Dudleys kept trash talk coming from the ramp.

I’m done, I don’t care.  Old ass Dudleys V boring ass Usos, why the hell do we care?  Preshow match in the parking lot of Mania?  They definitely shouldn’t get their day in the spotlight in Texas.

……………

Ambrose backstage with Mick Foley.  Really bad idea, we get that.  We’ve seen Brock Lesnar.  Foley is awesome for his purpose.  Built up the idea that it is insane that he would do a street fight with Brock.  “I’m Dean Ambrose, and this is what I do.”  Foley passing the torch to Ambrose, almost literally when he gives him a bat wrapped in barbed wire.  Now bring back that Hardcore Title and we can all get on board.

……………..

Ziggler is on the way out for his match with the King of Kings.  Cole is entirely too amped that Triple H has a Raw match.   I mean, he wrestled two days ago and you were on commentary, chill.  You already sounded like you had his King of Kings in your mouth while The Game was in the ring on Saturday.

Alright, The Game entrance.

Steph on the outside with her Connors Cure bracelet on.

Nice to see they are consistent in their social endeavors.

Now, what is the purpose here?  I’m asking it as the match starts because there is still the possibility of something like a Wyatt Family coming out and dragging out Triple H.  But seriously, in the unlikely possibility that that happens, what is the point of this?

Ziggler is in the IC race at best.  He’s not going to be in the WHC race at any point any time soon.  I don’t get it.  It’s like randomly giving the Canadian Natalie, Natalya, Lady Hart a Women’s Championship (I will never refer to it as the Diva’s Title, ever, that’s stupid) match at Construction Delays.  There’s no point.

Really long commercial break after H put Ziggy into the barricade on the outside.  Slow rolling coming back but Triple H has started the work in on the left arm of Ziggler.  Fights back, little bit.  I can absolutely say that Ziggler sells the punches better than Ambrose.

Triple H hits that suplex/faceslam again, he did the same on Ambrose the other night.  Nailed it.

Think back to any of your “legends” at 46.  Can you tell me one in the same shape HHH is in right now?

Ziggler with a Famouser (why does he do Billy Gunn’s finisher?), two count.  Hits a big DDT, two count.  Steph is lost in the chaos.  There’s the Spinebuster, it’s over.  We all know Roman is coming down at some point, right?…

Super Kick, the ultimate move for Mr. Wrestlemania Shawn Michaels, and yet since he retired everyone seems to get to kick out of it at least twice, and H is still going.  Ziggler has carried this match thus far.

Pedigree, almost as smoothly as the one that beat Ambrose.  Glad the commentary team is building Ziggy at the end of this one, he worked one hell of a match.

………………………….and here comes the Shield….oh no wait, that’s just Roman.

Anybody give a shit?  The crowd in Pittsburgh is still booing him.  It really doesn’t matter what he does, Roman is going to get relentlessly booed.  This is your problem, Vince.  We hate this guy.  So unless you’re going to find a way to make Triple H a face in two weeks time, this isn’t going to go well.

……………

I wish I were there.  Just know the “this is bullshit” chant would have been coming loud from whatever cheap seat I could afford.  Mark Henry should have kicked his ass.  Roman should have Superman Punched Jack Swagger just for making an appearance.

………………..

So yay.  We killed 20 minutes of Raw, plus an extra 8 minutes with the post commercial recap.  Whatever.  Fuck Roman Reigns.

………..

Unnecessary Golden Truth Promo.  Just make this team happen already.  You’ve run this into the ground faster than The Social Outcasts managed to do that to themselves.

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Y2J on his way out.  The man who doesn’t own a shirt.  I don’t know why he burned a Y2AJ shirt, it wasn’t his.  I hate that Neville has to take a loss here, but damn, at least they think well enough of him to put him in this matchup as highly as creative still puts Jericho.

I love Neville.  Apparently my recaps are going to involve a lot of my own feelings about competitors.  This is crap though that Neville didn’t even get a chance to compete.  Jericho hit a ref?  Seriously???  This is garbage.  You could have had a great damn match with Jericho against somebody like Neville but it wasn’t given a chance at all.

The Phenomenal Forearm?  Figure out what the hell you’re calling his moves.  I can’t handle this.  I’m already pissed that you’re making him cut The Styles Clash, just decide what the hell his moves are.

Will you just go ahead and announce that Styles, Y2J and Neville are part of whatever the multi-man gimmick match is for the IC belt.  6 Man Ladder?  Would make sense given they need to have Owens and Sami together, plus Miz now.  (Not to be confused with Mizdow, which would be awesome).

……………

No chance, that’s what ya got….

Why do we boo this man?  Maybe he should be the WWE Champ.  Would we boo him if he was toe to toe with Roman?  I don’t think we would.

Now Vince wants to remind us that WWE is in a shithole of a place.  I don’t understand this as a promo at all.  He calls it a nightmare.  He’s basically building our case that he should get the hell out of the way and let HHH turn the main roster into what he’s already proven he can do with NXT.

I sort of wish I weren’t typing this during the process of watching the show.  There’s so much here that I wish Vince wasn’t involved in.  I traveled my broke ass across the country to see the retirement tour of The Undertaker just in case this is it.  I went to LA for Hell in a Cell.  I was at Survivor Series.  I made a point to be at Royal Rumble just in case that was the gameplan.  I could write a dissertation about The Undertaker.  Every time that bell gongs, my childhood comes right back.  If I hear the first few notes of American Bad Ass, my childhood comes right back.  This is a man that I grew up with.  He’s the Power Rangers and Ninja Turtles combined.  This man is everything I was afraid of and wanted to be at the exact same time.

But if he’s going out at Wrestlemania, this is ridiculous.  He’s being built as Vince’s Puppet.  He’s being forced to either job to Shane and go out a loser, or beat Shane, who is so over it isn’t even funny.

Best for business my ass.  All you had to do was hit “Here Comes the Money” and shit was done.  Crowd reminded you that we want Shane.  That’s what we want.

This show could end 1,000 different ways, and anyone who has Comcast sees the same ending I do.  You get the Shane theme and your DVR cut off.  I’ll edit this in the morning, but just know that no matter what happens in that ring (and I’m telling myself that Shane and Taker beat the living hell out of Vince) I’ll have you covered in the morning.

…………

I miss the Champ.  I always knew he was going to win, but at least the belt was always on the line.  Please let me get Juan Cena at WM.

…………..

Edits 3/15/16:  Probably good my DVR cut off.  I don’t want to watch Shane stumble through promos, nor do I want to see him in an MMA match with Taker.  Taker is old.  Shane is old.  Shane throws punches like a special needs T-Rex.  Got a chokeslam for his troubles.  That is all.  I’ll let you watch it and decided how you feel about it.

On the whole, subpar coming off a glorified house show that is apparently in the works to become a regular PPV event each year.  It makes sense, there’s about 6 weeks each year between FastLane and Mania, but typically that is about telling the stories you need to sell 110,000 tickets to a show.  We got Mick Foley, or at least video of Mick Foley with Ambrose that may have been recorded at WWE Exit Sign.  Who knows.  Ambrose never changes clothes so I have no idea.

I whole heartedly want Triple H to come out of Mania with that belt.  I don’t care how it happens.  I want him to hold that thing until Summerslam when a quality opponent can come back and take it.  Like Rollins.  Or hell, let the face that runs the place have his 16th and tie Flair.  He’s been a quality soldier for you for years and he’s a first ballot hall of famer (if that’s how it works in WWE.  I’m not entirely sure.  I think it’s just random.   Best be a Ho Train in Dallas though).  I don’t want to see Jerry World burned to the ground because you give the belt to Roman and the crowd revolts.

Episode Score: C.  I’ll be generous here because we did get to see Ziggler work a match with Triple H, got a brief stint of KO commentary, and Mick Foley passed the crazy stick on.