RAW IS SMACKDOWN…WAIT, THAT’S NOT RIGHT

Smackdown is filmed on Tuesdays.  If you want spoilers, go somewhere else.  I don’t care about knowing what’s going to happen.  Smackdown, for all the jokes that it is essentially a Raw Recap show, tends to highlight some of the incredibly talented roster members, as you’re undoubtedly going to see tonight on a show that has Emma v Paige and Sami v Jericho.  I can recommend Cageside Seats if you want spoilers, they’ll post them every Wednesday morning.  They’ll also ruin months worth of NXT if you want to see that.  I don’t, but to each their own.  As an admin, I can actually tell you without a doubt that spoilers are never going to have a place here.

Tonight’s recap/stream of drunkenness is brought to you by red wine.  Don’t know the brand, don’t know the style.  Red Wine…do either of those things really ever matter?  Drink a few bottles, then watch Smackdown.  Red Wine, our unwitting sponsor this evening.

So we start out our Thursday broadcast with everyone’s favorite must see show of WWETV, MizTV.  Unfortunately, again, they’ve let his awful awful wife hijack another segment.  Where’s Paige….Sasha…Fabulous Moolah?  Someone come Rusev-Crush her, please.

WOO WOO WOO!!!!!!  YOU KNOW IT!!!!!

Well, at least they didn’t forget that Zack Ryder (and his Beard) were still on the roster.  They seemed to have forgotten on Monday.

If you haven’t watched the Zack Ryder one-on-one with Michael Cole (right?) about how he beat cancer while he was in high school, I can’t recommend it enough.  This link will get you to it.  HERE

Just let Ryder win the MITB match.  It sounds just as unlikely as letting him win as an alternate at WM.

Miz teases a title match, but then let’s Ryder know that he already has a match….against Baron Corbin.  Corbin is getting very well utilized early in his call up.  Shame they couldn’t do the same with Prince Pretty.

Does anyone else want to see Baron Corbin join Gallows and Anderson’s Bullet Club in the path of destruction?  I most certainly fucking do.

While I’m asking questions, does anyone else want The Hype Bros in the Tag Tourney?  I most certainly #stayhyped.  Follow my girlfriend on Snapchat.  I even #StayHyped at Kroger on a Friday night.

In a fucking smooth move, Corbin’s generally sort of slow ring movements pulled a really quick End of Days I didn’t even see coming.  Once he got the pin fall, he went to the outside to beat the hell out of Ryder, only to have Ziggler come to the rescue.  I’m really glad they’re finding decent feuds for Ziggler here lately.  He’s really gotten to excellent form lately.

Corbin retreats.

Your actual favorite segment on any WWE broadcast, a backstage convo between KO and Renee Young.  She’s awesome, he’s fucking phenomenal.  Another threat against Sami, who has a match later against Y2SadDad (who will undoubtedly not wear a shirt all night).

Ok, sometimes they just sort of let women’s matches happen for no reason.  Paige-Emma sounds completely awesome.  Emma is a bad ass.  Her theme song is infectious.  Paige is the women’s division version of a Wyatt member.  She’s never going to win anything that matters, but she puts on a damn show.  Emma is a bad ass.  Let’s be super excited for the 3 minutes of TV time they’ll let them have.

Emma cuts an NXT style promo, not great but it’ll come along.

Paige comes out strong, she’ll undoubtedly lose quick.  Emma gets vicious as she tends to do coming off her violence training from Flex Dana Flex.  She gets the win.  She may have also broken Paige’s nose.  Not entirely sure.

Commercial break.  Won’t recap, but the first one was a WWE promo that was essentially like “guys, please, please don’t hate Roman.  He’s so great.  Just give it a chance.”

Oh, then it comes back from commercial with what they try to build as a Raw rehashing, but essentially it was a 5 minute Raw Recap about what Roman did on Monday.  Like anyone gave a shit the first time.  Roman still got booed relentlessly.  See my post from Monday.  It was fucking ugly.  At least in Houston the crowd didn’t seem to know what the hell was going on and they just cheer/booed for everything.  LA FUCKING HATED ROMAN REIGNS.  I kind of do too.  I feel bad for him.  But I still hate him.

AND THIS RIGHT HERE THIS IS BIG CASS AND HE’S SEVEN FOOT TALL AND YOU CAN’T TEACH THAT.  BADA BOOM, REALEST GUYS IN THE ROOM HOW YOU DOIN’?

Promo King of the WWE.  Put any set of words this guy says on a shirt and I’m going to buy it.  All of it.  120 Enzo shirts.  Not a problem.  Print them, I’ll sell them.

Unfortunately, as Enzo said, the worst thing you can say about the Ascension is…well…they’re the Ascension how you doin’?

Let’s approach this during the commercial.  Seriously.  The Ascension’s best push was as filler pieces in the Cosmic Wasteland for…that’s right, Stardust, who the company has also spent 2 years trying to understand how to utilize to no avail.

Now we’re back, maybe, nope.  Pop Tart commercial.  But really, the Ascension is not an untalented bunch.  Unfortunately the gimmick never really needs them to talk, so I can’t tell you if they could survive without the gimmick.  And what gimmick…that’s right “The Legion of Doom retired, so we can rehash that tired old thing.”

No shit.  Enzo has a poop emoji on his ring gear.  That’s absolutely awesome.

You know going in, with the way the bracket is designed, as well as the way the Ascension are consistently booked, that Enzo and Cass are going to get the win here so they have to face The Dudleyz (Why?) on Monday.  Here’s hoping Enzo and Cass finally shut them up.

The Dudleyz and the Usos are preshow fodder, at best.  They shouldn’t get to wrestle anywhere but Main Event.  Not even Main Event, they should be on Superstars.  Hulu doesn’t even advertise that Superstars still exists.

Enzo and Cass with the big win.

AJ with a backstage interview with Jojo.  Cutting the same promo, about how he’s worked his way around the world to get to this point.  He’s again trying to put Roman over as a great opponent.  Del Rio (in a Pride of Mexico shirt he’s cut in the weirdest way I’ve ever seen) interrupts.  He questions the hype.  Challenges AJ.  So Styles v Alberto Del Pec Flex.

Did anyone order me that awesome ass AJ Styles Trucker Hat?  I really want it.

Styles v Del Rio is coming after another extensive USA commercial break.  WHY IN THE HELL DID THEY THINK A MICK FOLEY REALITY SHOW WAS A GOOD IDEA?  WHY DID FOLEY THINK IT WAS?

Camp WWE better be funny.

4 and a half minutes, more commercials.

Why is the Dolph Ziggler movie still not in the Redbox?

I know, I probably like him more knowing that I’ve driven through his hometown a hundred times.  He’s also kind of awesome.  But he absolutely looks like fucking Eddie Vedder.

I want to be Bray Wyatt for Halloween.  I think I can get away with the beard.  My girlfriend may not let me get away with gaining 100 lbs of unseemly body fat.

Si, Si, Si….no.  Sorry, I tried.  I absolutely hate ADR.  Phenomenal Forearm quickly, please.  Let’s save TV time for Jericho/Sami.

Can you believe we’re only half way through the show?  Someone go get me another bottle of wine.

I think I’ve got a cider in the fridge.  That should be ok.

This has been a pretty fantastic match.  Del Rio can turn it on when he wants to.  He doesn’t seem to really want to all that often.  AJ wins, but neither of them hit any huge spots.  That was odd.  AJ won with a roll up.  It’s sort of odd, I just assumed they were going to find a way to make him look like the almighty force to take down Roman (ha, they won’t let Roman lose the belt.  He’ll still hold the belt at Mania 33).

So, Golden Truth isn’t going to happen.  Golddust isn’t ready for it, so he talked to management and they let him pick a new partner.  So welcome to GoldDango.  That’s right, Golddust and Fandango.

They went to two commercial breaks during AJ ADR.  They did a tease about GoldDango and another damn commercial break.

The Jungle Book does look freaking awesome though.

THE DAMNED PILGRIM WITH THE “AIR QUOTES” AGAIN.  I don’t get this damned commercial.

The Vaudevillians are back again, I’m curious to watch and see if the main roster audience gets them, or if they end up relegated to The Ascension status (nothing jobbers).

Probably.  They weren’t all that interesting in NXT, if I’m being honest.  And it’s only sort of because I want to punch everyone who exists that still has a handlebar mustache.  It’s 2016.  Seriously.  Fucking hipsters.

Golddango is on their way out.  Was sort of hoping they’d have some sort of merged theme music.  Didn’t happen.  That’s sad.

Watching Golddust dance made me forget, if only for a moment, that I know that he’s a fucking raging jackass in real life.  Cody is such a nice guy, Fandango is such a nice guy.  Dustin is an asshole.

In typical form, Vaudevillians are on the offensive before the bell officially rings, kicking ass thus far.  Is it weird I’m glad they’re at least making an effort to use Fandango?  I bet if he had just come back with a completely different gimmick, it would have worked.  He’s in incredible shape, good in the ring, and he’s got a great look.  That gimmick was never main event material, but they could have rebranded him as something of the sort.

Whirling Dirvish.  The Hipsters win.  Doesn’t matter.  Enzo and Cass gonna stomp that ass.  Oh wait, they have to face my least favorite wrestlers The Usos in Round 2.  I might actually root for them in round 2, but that would require I not go do laundry during an Usos match.

Nope, Jericho still doesn’t have a shirt.

No worries, I haven’t picked favorites yet, it was just a cool picture.

I bought Quantum Break, still haven’t taken in out of the plastic.  I’m nervous about any game with reviews that insanely split.  I’m taking it back.  It’ll go towards something more important to me, like Star Fox next week.

I searched the GIPHY for Sami Zayn, hoping for him to be dancing down the ramp.  I found this.  I went with it.  #Mancrush.  Efron is awesome.

Anyway.  Why does anyone give a flying rats ass about Todd Chrisley?

Now, back from commercial, maybe, I don’t know, I got lost in Efron’s eyes.  Oh, ok, more Raw recaps.  But in a minute we will get…

Jericho is in the back with another HeelJericho promo about these “amateurs” not respecting the system that means he gets to win, he gets to do whatever he wants to do, that he is the best in the world at what he does.

He talked shit about San Diego, got some cheap heat.

This Puerto Rico tourism commercial really makes me uncomfortable.

Well the match was off to a good start, but here comes KO probably just for the distraction.  HAHAHAHA.  Here comes Ambrose too.  Evens out the KO distraction.  Whatever the hell the end game of the Ambrose Jericho thing is, the build up is going to be awesome.

So KO and Ambrose are out on commentary for this match.  Are you ready?  Monday night is going to be a tag match.  Sami and Ambrose v Jericho and KO.  That sounds absolutely amazing.

Sami Zayn’s false finish face is the best part of just about any program….any program that doesn’t feature Enzo Amore.

They’re on the outside, Sami just flipped Jericho into KO.  So you can rest assured the match is coming on Monday.  Back in the ring, Sami had it in hand, here comes KO.  Ambrose is in now attacking Jericho.  The faces stand tall, Renallo is the man.  That’s your show folks.  Thanks for tuning in.  Hopefully I was as entertaining to you as I was to myself.