OH THEDARKMATCH.COM

Don’t you dare be sour, clap for your vaguely famous Raw live stream and feel the power.  It’s a Monday, yes it is.

It might not be a good show, it might not be a bad show, but it’s the show that we’re recapping tonight.

Tonight’s recap is brought to you by this one right here:

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The WWE and Raw is in London today.  With the time difference, they recorded this earlier today.  If you read the spoilers given the time difference, go ahead and excuse yourself from the comments section.

Lunatic Fringe Dean Ambrose is on his way to the ring to open the show.  I wish they’d just give him the Hardcore Title so that they can call him Hardcore Champion Dean Ambrose instead of all this cheesy shit they call him, but anyway, here’s another episode of the AA.

He fires off some shots at Braun Strowman, the crowd loves him.  He keeps pulling his collar like he’s Rodney Dangerfield.  But he’s just introduced Shane, who’s in charge of Raw for a third straight week.

His Nike game is on point.  I love Shane O’Mac.  The crowd keeps reminding Shane that he’s still got it.  I just wish they’d flesh this stuff out.  Why does he just keep getting control of Raw?  He didn’t win.  There needs to be an explanation beyond that weird night after Mania thing with Vince.  If he’s going to do it every week, which I would love because it has made Monday Night Raw feel new, and fresh, and fun, just let us know that’s what’s going to happen.

Oh my God I love the British Audience.  If you thought NXT TakeOver London was awesome, they just turned “Ole Ole Ole Ole” into “Shane-O, Shane-O, Shane-O, Shane-O”.  That’s just awesome.

As if this segment wasn’t already fun to watch them banter, KO is on his way out.  He’s so much fun.  Shane’s fashion is just straight baller.  Like seriously.  I want to be as awesome as he is when I’m mid-40s.  And I’d like to have half his abs.

KO does his KO thing, he shits on Sami, then Zayn comes out to support his reputation.

And now …….  Oh no, I was convinced Jericho might have a shirt on, but he doesn’t.  Sorry, false alarm.

Jericho came out, and I thought it would all be shots against Ambrose, but all he’s done is trash talk Shane.  Going to be some great stuff that comes from this.  These are 4 really damn talented performers, plus Shane O’ Mac.  So there are 5 very talented performers in the ring.

Shane just announced that at Payback, Jericho will take on Ambrose, and Owens will get a match with Sami Zayn.  Downsides…..we have to wait what…5 weeks?

This thing just broke down, the Faces are standing tall in the ring.  They’ll both unlikely lose later tonight.

……….

I’m sure there will come a Todd Chrisley ad here in a minute I want to bitch about, but instead let’s use this time wisely.  What’s the point of Ambrose taking a shot at Biggie McAssSweat?  Is it just in case Wyatt didn’t really get hurt the other night?  I’m just curious.  I’d love Ambrose V Wyatt.  That would be an amazing match.

………….

There was no setup, but during the commercial break, we learned that we are getting Jericho V Sami now.  This match is going back and forth.  Jericho is being his brutal heelish self, Sami is nailing his high-flying fun stuff.  This is a great match thus far.  They’re going to break it up…

Oh there is the uncomfortable part.  I don’t understand this USA commercial shamelessly plugging Roman Reigns.  I just don’t.

Anyway….

I won’t lie to you.  For all the shit I’ll talk about Chris Jericho, he’s still pretty great.

We come back from the commercial break with Zayn on the outside getting counted out.  Jericho is in the ring taunting.

JBL wants you to believe that there are great parallels between Y2J and the Underdog from the Underground, to which he said they both spent a lot of time and came to WWE to make a name for themselves.  Well, 1) Jericho had the advantage of coming from Japan to WCW, where he was a champ a number of times, 2) to say that Sami came from Japan to make a name for himself in WWE is just belittling everything that Sami has done to this point.

This is going to be another one of those really long opening matches that goes multiple commercial breaks.

Sami through the ropes for the tornado DDT.  That is such an amazing move.  But Jericho back in the ring, drops to the ground to avoid the kick in the corner, rakes the eyes, Codebreaker.  Jericho gets the win.  That is two weeks in a row that going for that kick has been Sami’s downfall.

……….

Renallo is in the back to interview AJ, but Gallows and Anderson turn up.  They’re really friendly.  This is how the ends starts.

………..

BADA BOOM, BADDEST GUYS IN THE ROOM!!!!!!!  HOW YOU DOIN’?

You can’t teach this stuff.  Listening to him talk is my top 5 for every week, I don’t even have a point in posting a Top 5.  Enzo is just unreal.

Hey Diddle Diddle, Enzo’s got a riddle…

There is most definitely a Dud in Dudley Boyz.  I wish they were still wrestling the Usos, because I have a shitload of Laundry that needs folding.

In any event, let’s go with Round 2 of the Tag Tourney.  It almost has to be Enzo and Cass against the Vaudevillains for the match right?

The Dudleyz are on their way out.  Let me reiterate, I do not like the Dudleyz.  They were boring before, they’re boring now.  Honestly the best thing we got out of them was the T in the TLC match, which Edge and Christian and The Hardyz made infinitely more fun.

So here we go, Enzo and D-Von are in the ring together to get it going.

Commercial…that didn’t take long.

This Gatorade commercial should show Cam Newton crying about something.

HanyardLaw.com has legitimately found someone willing to plagiarize the Law and Order theme, which for lawyers they should know better.

There it is….We almost got through the first hour before they advertised whatever the hell a Todd Chrisley is.

Dudleyz are talking trash, guess who wins?  Big Cass is just itching for that hot tag.  As soon as he gets it, this thing will change entirely, just like all the NXT Tag matches they had.

Gotta admit, “Come on Skywalker” is a pretty awesome shit talking move from Bubba Ray.  They’ve got a good game, Kevin Owens has perfected it, but he’s definitely built upon what the Dudleyz started.

There it comes, HOT TAG TO BIG CASS!

Came in hot, but the Dudleyz are working the team angle well.  Big boot.  Enzo gets the tag, ROCKET LAUNCHER AND ENZO AND CASS ADVANCE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

They’re so much fun.  Shut up JBL.

………..

I won’t lie to you.  I’m going to walk away from the computer and the TV when the Usos take the ring.  I’m sorry.  I will never give you a complete recap because they bore the ever loving shit out of me.

…………

How did Freddie Prince Jr. get so fucking old?

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Oh joy.  Here comes your World Heavyweight Champion.  Oh listen, London likes him as much as LA did.  This would work so much better if they would just make him a bad guy for a while and let him come back from it.  It worked so well for The Rock.  Just try it.  I promise it will work.

Oh yay, he’s going to remind us the same shit.  “I’m not a good guy, I’m not a bad guy, I’m just the guy.”

AJ Styles needs to stomp that ass.  He is phenomenal.

“AJ Styles is going to try to outwrestle me at Payback…”  That’s a no brainer.  You’re a garbage wrestler.  Your move set sucks.  You’re stiff as a fucking board.  There’s a reason every crowd boos you relentlessly.

London is harsher than LA.  I didn’t think it was possible.  He just dropped a “we are here to stay” and the crowd launched into the trademark “bullshit” chant.

Oh there comes Eddie Vedd…..AJ Styles.  Wouldn’t be opposed to him just walking out and mouthing the words to Evenflow, might make for a baller ass promo.

Roman is toeing the line of a heel turn.  They just won’t let him run with it.  He’s going to be so much better with his “Samoan Bad Ass” persona if they just let him be a bad guy.

WHAT!?@?@?!?!?!?!?!?!?@??@?!@?!?@?!?@?

Gallows and Anderson just stomped Roman Reigns ass.

AJ doesn’t look pleased.  I’m going to assume the coming promo will have something to do with not wanting to win the title like that.  Then Gallows and Anderson are going to turn on him.  Mark my words.

……….

Not ok with the Braves advertising Dansby Swanson like they’re actually going to let him play in the majors this year.  Call his ass up, then put him in commercials.

………..

When the hell did they decide to give Fandango more TV time?  Dolph is only out for commentary, but Fandango gets in ring time?  I’m so confused.  I agree with Jim Cornette, they are wasting Dolph Ziggler 90% of the time.

But we do get the Lone Wolf, and his weird gut thing.  Please listen to the NXT Takeover Dallas podcast, as Michelle takes on this very important topic in the WWE.

Anyway, I like Baron Corbin.  I do like that if he’s going to have a feud this early in his WWE career, it’s great that it’s Ziggler.  Ziggler is great in the ring.

There’s no way this match lasts long, but they’re really giving Corbin enough chances to really catch on with the main crowd.

Corbin and Fandango on the outside, Corbin throws Fandango over the table through Ziggler, then he kicks the show off while he’s down.  Ziggler is in the ring.  Corbin drops him quickly with a big boot.

Corbin drops the End of Days on Ziggler on the outside.  Just great.  Let me go ahead and log my vote for match of the night at Payback, Ziggler V Corbin.  That’s going to happen and it’s going to be amazing.

……….

Miz and whatever that screeching thing he walks around with are on their way out.

I miss kayfabe.  I really do.

……….

No, oh god no.  Why are they constantly showing this really unsettling Puerto Rico travel ad?

………..

Well, it’s supposed to be Miz TV.  But it isn’t just Miz, unfortunately.  I love Miz, I haven’t been quiet about this.  I really do appreciate him.  He’s a perfect heel character on his own.  In Birmingham, when I went to Raw, he had AJ Styles on Miz TV and he carried a full 15 minutes of TV time by himself.  Just kept talking, and interrupting AJ, and it was amazing.  He’s so good.  There’s no reason why she is a part of this now.  Maybe early in his career he needed the boost, but seriously, he does not need the assist.  He’s awesome.

She’s awful.  Her voice is awful.  She’s everything that is wrong with women in the WWE.

Where’s Zack Ryder……..no wait, here he comes.  Let’s see that break away suit.

CESARO!!!!!!!!

Cesaro still isn’t fabulous on the microphone.  His promo skills could use some work, but there is still no doubting his in ring performance is amazing.

STOP GIVING HER A MICROPHONE DAMN IT!

Jesus, why is Miz botching the “Taken” monologue?  Please tear away the suit and swing him through those chairs.

I’m such a mark.  I really am.  I love Cesaro, even knowing full well his promo game sucks.

I don’t understand these Miz TV segments that end in Miz announcing other matches for the people in the ring.  It’s kind of dumb.  But we get to see the Swiss Superman V The Bulgarian Brute, which is kind of awesome.

Rusev looks like he’s slimmed down, he’s in pretty great shape here lately.

OH MY GOD!!!!!!!  The breakaway suit, CESARO IN A NEW DAY BOOTY-Os SHIRT!

Four on Four Action.  Miz and the League V Cesaro and New Day.  If you weren’t convinced they’d decided to go full face with New Day, here’s the final piece of proof you need.

This is going to be great.

………..

Can we all agree that Comcast clearly doesn’t know what romance is?  Did they really just compare 50 Shades and Love Actually?  Are they out of their fucking minds?

………..

Saturday, USA is showing an Indiana Jones marathon, that sounds awesome, aside from the fact they’re acknowledging Crystal Skull.

………….

Alright, so we’re starting with Miz and Xavier.  It’s always nice to see Xavier wrestle, he’s a talented worker.  He takes bumps like a pro.  These three guys work so well together.  I know that for the most part the matches are going to be fine as long as guys have decent enough chemistry to work out a tag team, but these guys are just great friends, and they’ve worked together for the longest time now, so they mesh so well.  The problem with League of Nations is they are all champion caliber singles guys that creative had no better ideas for.

Sheamus needs to drop the red outfit, it makes him look even more pale, if that was even possible.  Does this guy literally never go outside?

League of Nations are on top at the commercial break.  I’d like to tell you it won’t last, but they tend to let New Day lose a good bit on TV programming and then dominate on PPVs.  They’re like the opposite of the Wyatt Family.

It’s amazing, even the team of heels isn’t getting the level of heat that Roman did.  The crowd is practically silent when the LoNs is on top.  They’re cheering New Day back when they are down, but they don’t really ever take a negative stance here.

For an eight man match, they’ve done a very good job of getting all 8 guys in the ring and giving them all time to display some power.  Cesaro hits the Dutch whatever…it’s essentially a Styles Clash….and the team of Cesaro/New Day win.

…………

Renallo is again doing backstage interviews.  I’m ok with this if this is the best they’ll let us have of him on Raw.  Recapping Charlotte getting a cheap win on Nat via DQ from Ric.  They’ll drag this out, but we’ll get another 8 person tag match soon because writing creative for women is hard throw them in the ring and let 8 of them have 6 minutes of tv time.

Bret will be in Natalya’s corner at Payback.  Not that we didn’t call that a few weeks ago.

………….

It’s a commercial break, so let’s do some speculation.  Ric Flair in one corner, Bret Hart in the other corner.  It’s like WCW threw up on a PPV match.  If there were ever a better time to drop Goldberg back into the program, I don’t know where you’ll find it.

………….

Ok, I can’t even explain how awesome I think a team of Natalya, Sasha, Becky and Paige is.  So let’s see what crap they’re going to have to wrestle against.  Team Bad, Summer Rae and Charlotte.  They’re going to ignore the Emma feud with Becky to the point where we don’t actually care when it finally happens.

Anyway.  This is where we are.  All 8 are in the ring now.

Becky is awesome.

I have trouble recapping 8 person matches.  There’s just too many people  This one isn’t as fluid as the men’s match before it.  That match was pretty well non-stop.

It was going back and forth for a while, but now the heel team is just beating all over Becky.  She’s making a move, so here comes a hot tag.  Natalya is in.

Summer Rae could still use some work.  She’s not terrible, but her timing is a bit off.

Charlotte is in and Natalya is back on her game.  This thing is breaking down, Natalya kicks off the Figure 8, locks in the Sharpshooter, and the face team takes the victory here.

There was not enough Sasha in this match at all.

………..

Can we address something else during this commercial break…this PPV event is called Payback.  The only match in this thing even remotely involving Payback is Charlotte and Natalya on account of the Flair interference a week ago.  Ziggler and Corbin kind of has it, since Corbin has hit the End of Days on the outside two weeks in a row.  But seriously, there’s no Payback involved in the title match, as it would have to be HHH for it to fit the theme.  I just don’t get it.

But we just got the teaser that The Usos are up next.  I’m going to take a shower and get ready for bed.  See you in about 20 minutes when something I vaguely care about is happening.  Here, I’ll post pictures of what’s coming, and then you can just imagine the outcome.  I’ll give you a prediction, it’ll be The Vaudevillians because I think they want it to be the two up and coming NXT teams in the finals, but who knows what they’re thinking.

…………

Whirling Dirvish, Vaudevillians win.

Makes for a decent story though, as Vaudevillians were NXT Tag Champs for a while and Enzo and Cass never won the belts.

………….

So now we can move on from The Usos match.  That was a short match for a semifinals match in a tournament of any kind, but ok.

Show’s got 32+ minutes left, and only one announced match between Ambrose and Owens.  What the hell are they going to do to……oh wait, more unnecessary video packages instead of just letting guys have matches.  I don’t mind Apollo Crews at all, but this is a waste of television time that could be better used to win the audience over by actually putting him in the ring.

This is just like that pointless promo they had for Corbin last week.  I just don’t understand this.

……….

WHY DOES THIS FUCKING GUY HAVE A TV SHOW?????

…………..

The Social Outcasts are out without the Mongoose, who was suspended for failing a second wellness test.

Oh, wait, I spoke too soon.  Apollo Crews actually has a match after the video package.  They didn’t do the same for Corbin last week.  It makes no sense.

Can we all just agree that if they’re going to recruit a fourth outcast it needs to be Sandow?  #HitSandowsMusic.  Make that trend.  Somehow it got Slater back on TV, let’s try to make it work the same way for Damien Sandow, a much better performer.

In fairness, Apollo Crews shouldn’t win this match, but they’re on the war path to make Apollo Crews look unbeatable, so they clearly want him to get to a point where he’s relentlessly booed like Roman Reigns.

Apollo wins.

Owens didn’t even let him get out of the ring good and he started heading to the ring because he didn’t care at all about Apollo Crews.  It was a pretty straight forward “fuck that guy” move.  I loved it.

……….

Sometimes I thoroughly appreciate commercial breaks…normally only when the commercial break includes:

Lil’ Sweet is awesome.

………..

Promo for Smackdown, we get a Miz TV featuring AJ Styles.

Can we all just accept the fact that Ambrose has to eat another loss at Payback?  If AJ doesn’t get to beat Jericho, they’re not going to let Ambrose either.

Ambrose and Owens are going to have a pretty violent matchup.  Owens is brutal, Ambrose just keeps fighting (unless he’s in a no holds barred match against Lesnar and then he just sort of lays down and takes a pin like a pansy).

………….

And how you know you’re a bad ass….

Yep.  Even my online beer vendor thinks I’m awesome.  I win.

………..

Anyway, this is still a pretty back and forth affair, which I can appreciate and is to be expected from these two.  Owens just hit a frog splash off the apron to the outside.  Holy crap.  For a guy that doesn’t look like he’d be quick, or athletic, or a “high-flier” he certainly puts on a show at every opportunity.  Again, see Owens and Ziggler from Fastlane.

This London crowd loves Owens.

Ambrose with the flying elbow off the top rope to the outside.  These guys have the capacity to put on a show.  Did you watch Roadblock?  I still would be ok if they’d let Ambrose take the title that night because that match was incredible.

Owens with that big suplex in the corner.  Wow, that should have been it.  Apparently Owens doesn’t win unless he hits the Pop-Up Powerbomb, so it’s good they value a “Finisher” but he hits like 6 per match.  Owens went for a big frog splash and took knees to the stomach, how the hell that doesn’t hurt the guy that puts his knees up I don’t know.

Ambrose, Dirty Deeds.  Ambrose wins.

That’s two shows in a row I got to end with an Ambrose photo.  Oh shit, there’s Jericho.  No shirt, full scarf, Codebreaker.  So no, I don’t get to end with an Ambrose photo.  Y2Jackass

There’s your recap.  What’d you think of tonight’s show?