Payback is a Mitch – Smackdown, May 5, 2016

Smackdown takes us to a dark and stormy night in Kansas City (Kansas? Missouri?  I’m not sure which).  I keep on thinking that the crowd is rowdy but I had to keep on reminding myself that they commonly “enhance” the crowd reaction.  One will never know.  We start with Jericho.  Bringing back The Highlight Reel is Stephanie’s “first unpopular opinion,” according to Mauro.

“Payback is a Mitch”. Yikes Mauro.

Jericho makes it clear that Ambrose isn’t going to be there.  He tries to convince us that he put Ambrose in the hospital when he hit Jericho over the head with Mitch.  I’ve seen Moxley’s CZW days.  I’m not buying that.  He’s taking a well-deserved night off, I think.  I do think these boos weren’t enhanced.  Jericho is a great heel.  He gets the boos for the right reasons.  Zayn is Jericho’s guest and the crowd pops for him.  Jericho takes no time to launch into berating Zayn.  The crowd boos him even louder.  I’m not sure if I buy Zayn’s responses.  They feel a bit rehearsed to me.  Not Roman-level, but I don’t believe it.  He’s much more comfortable playing off of Owens.

“What kind of a human being are you?”  – Jericho

Miz interrupts with Matt’s favorite person, Maryse.   Miz anthropomorphizes the title and I love that.  WWE is on fire making the IC title feel just as important as the US Title was during Cena’s reign.  Side note, is the WWE incapable of having more than 2 Men’s Championships feel important at one time?

Jericho reveals his jacket cost 15k.  That’s actual a bargain because if you commission the company that made it, it costs at least $25k. Zayn is incredulous that he spent that much money to “look like a Christmas tree.”  Again, nothing revolutionary in insults.  It’s seems that they just fed Zayn some lines that were written for Ambrose and he just delivered them with less conviction.  Don’t get me wrong, I love Zayn.  I just think his promo skills were a little off tonight.

Miz mentions that he’s been around in the WWE for 11 years.  There are definitely some years where he was irrelevant (2014-2015 come to mind) but it’s still amazing that he’s never left for anywhere else or received the “Future Endeavors” speech.   Zayn invades personal space and touches the title. Maryse interferes. Zayn challenges Miz to a match immediately. Some other stuff happens of no consequence.  It’s now time to hear from our favorite USA Network personality, Todd Chrisley.

Ugh. Titus commercial with Nattie. These are the worst.  Give me more Chrisley Knows Best commercials.

Sami Zayn Vs. The Miz (IC Champ) with Maryse

The match was made unsurprisingly.

By the way, the local 11 PM news is on while I’m typing this up.  People are using diarrhea drugs to get high?  Seriously?  WTF?

Highlights include the flip from the barricade and some lady giggling.  I rewound it to listen to the pure joy as Zayn got really close to here and flipped back onto Miz.  It was great.  Owens comes out during the match aaaannnnnndddd…Commercial break.

As we come back from commercial Owens at ringside kicking back.  Owens makes fun of Miz’s double axe handle.  Something to the effect of “Oh great, you jumped and landed on your feet and hit him with your fist.  You defied gravity.”  After Zayn dives out of the ring, Zayn and Owens stare each other down at the announce table.  When Zayn heads back into the ring, Owens follows and the ring and interferes and Miz and Owens just beat down Zayn.  The Conductor of the Uppercut Express (maybe I’ve been listening to Mauro too much) comes out for the save.  Cesaro clears the ring and holds up Miz’s abandoned IC title like it’s the One Ring from Mordor.

Here’s a random gif of The Ultimate Warrior.

If I wasn’t a fan, I might think that it was the top title.

DQ – Sami wins?

AJ and the Good Brothers backstage.  Please don’t tell me they’re actually going with that.  Mauro calls them that at least once in the broadcast.  It reminds me of Good Burger.

Anyway, Gallows and Anderson question why he didn’t destroy Roman with the chair on Monday.  AJ wants him to do it his way.  Gallows and Anderson remind me of the devil on the shoulder in a lot of old cartoons.  In this case, AJ has no Angel on the other shoulder.  Is it just a matter of time until he succumbs to his old gaijin ways?

Stop showing me that Enzo footage!  It’s so hard to watch.  But it’s served one purpose:  The Vaudevillians are over for playing up how they “destroyed” Enzo.  They are so easy to hate.  Enzo didn’t need to get hurt to get here, but lucky he’s not badly hurt.  They’re just making the absolute best out of a bad situation.

The Vaudevillians VS The Social Outcasts (Bo Dallas and Curtis Axel)

Good standard match. Axel is thrown out of the ring halfway through the match and Bo eats the pin.

The Vaudevillians win via Pinfall

Cass comes out and says they look like they came of the set of Sherlock Holmes.  The must be working the case of who I’m going to beat down. Mystery solved. It’s both of you. I kind of wonder if Cass is on the phone every night with Enzo who helps him come up with the insults. He fulfills his promise and Axel comes back in to celebrate, acting like he was instrumental in the beat down.  He eats Cass’s finisher for his effort.  I have to applaud the Axe man on this one.  He was great and was really committed.

Women’s tag match.  Becky and Nattie VS Emma and Charlotte

They show the match card for Natalya VS Charlotte at Extreme Rules.  It seems like the Extreme Stipulation is that Ric Flair is banned from ringside.

“Becky is firing on Emma like an internet troll.”  – Mauro.  King follows up with a well-timed, and I think, shoot, “What?!”

King claims that the ref is a Hart family friend and that we’re witnessing the Kansas City screwjob.  The ref is missing lots of calls!

Ok, I’ll be honest.  It was Cinco de Mayo and my roommate just made tacos.  I watched and enjoyed this match, but I stopped taking notes.  It was taco time.

Nattie submits Emma in the Sharpshooter for the win.

Roman and the Usos are in the locker room with asinine banter.  I want to believe that it’s a shoot and that’s really how lame they are. AJ confronts Roman.  He warns Roman that he took the high road by not hitting him with the chair on Raw.

Rusev and Lana backstage start chanting Matchka like Lucha.  It’s entertaining but not as entertaining as Rusev claiming that he’s going to eat Kalisto’s heart.  Have you not watched this web interview with Michael Cole?  Stop everything and watch it right now!

What?  Darren Young and Bob backland life coach promo.  I’m not sure what to think about it.

Rusev w/ Lana Vs. Zach Ryder

Ouch. Ryder has a jobber entrance. Time for Rusev crush. Ryder’s booking is all over the map these past two months.  Ryder starts strong but Rusev gets a couple crazy gut wrench duplexes. And now it’s time for the Accolade. Rusev gets a nasty lump on his head from hitting the ring post earlier in the match.  It’s seriously nasty.  Kalisto comes in for the drive by and leaves.  I’m excited for the Rusev Crush.  The rUSev Title.

Ryder submits to the Accolade

Wow. Deadpool on BluRay ad.

Obligatory continuation of Golden Truth storyline.

Fandango is teaching Goldust to dance.  They bump into Truth and the Gorgeous One. Truth and Dango have a short dance off while Goldust lays down a beat. Someone challenges the other to a match next week.  For me, this went from funny to unfunny, then funny because it’s gone on so long and now it’s back to unfunny again.  We will see if it swings back around.

Good brothers.  There it is.  This better not be their official WWE name.  Mauro just called them that.

“Who cares about Japanese wrestling.  Oh that’s right, you do.” –  King

Usos Vs. Anderson and Gallows

Standard tag match with Anderson and Uce (does it even matter which one) trading blows.  Anderson kicks Roman in the head and all hell breaks lose.

DQ

AJ calls for a 6 man tag.  They agree.  Another Chrisley Knows Best commercial.

AJ, Anderson, and Gallows Vs. Roman and The Usos

I decended into a food coma from the aforementioned tacos and fell off on my note taking.  This match had all the bells and whistles.  If anyone can get close to putting Roman over, it’s AJ.  I think that statement would have surprised me if I could go back in time.  But a lot of things would if I could time travel.  And it would be an abuse of my time travel powers if I didn’t at least kill hitler first.

Roman spears and pins Anderson as AJ is unable to break the pin.