Monday Night McMahon (You know he wants to change it to that)

Tonight’s Monday Night Recap is brought to you by Ruthie’s Wreaths (Unpaid shameless plug for my Aunt who has been incredibly supportive in this endeavor) and Sweetwater IPA (which has absolutely no idea we exist, but that’s what I was drinking during Raw, so….please don’t sue us).

Who are we kidding, this isn’t Raw.  This is Monday Night McMahon.

That’s what we were all waiting on, but instead, we started with a ring full of people, and an Andre Battle Royale Statue that looks like it is made of butter, which Miz (at Ringside) announces is for the number one contender spot for his IC belt.

Battle Royal

I’d attempt to tell you who was in this match, but for the most part, you don’t care.  The suspended member of The Ascension was in the ring, so that’s interesting.  The Usos, Vaudevillians, ADR…but the most interesting thing is that Bob Backlund is at ringside.  Are they foreshadowing a win for Darren Young?  We shall see in just a moment.  Probably.  They are rather uncreative but at least then we might actually see a damn point to these stupid “Make Darren Young Great Again” promos.

Nothing exciting when they do battle royal matches like this.  At least with a royal rumble there aren’t 20 guys in the ring at one time for the most part.

It gets down to about 5 or 6 and Del Rio takes over for a bit, only to be eliminated by a weird tandem of Corbin and Apollo Crews.  We’re down to 4 and somehow Darren Young is still in this match.  Oh, well I called that(Ring Bell Sound).  So, I guess the IC title match is going to be in the preshow.

What in the living hell?  Seriously.  Zack Ryder can’t have the belt for more than a day, but Darren Young is getting a title shot?  What in the hell for?

They’re going to do a Highlight Reel at Battleground?

Yes, it’s Randy Orton, but are they really aching to fill 3 hours next Sunday?

Apparently we ignore Smackdown completely

As of last week on Smackdown, Zack Ryder had a US Title Match against Rusev tonight.  He challenged, Rusev accepted….

TONIGHT: Can @ZackRyder repeat his #SmackDown victory over @WWESheamus? Find out LIVE on @WWE #RAW on @USA_Network! pic.twitter.com/1LmNAeTxqy

— WWE (@WWE) July 11, 2016

@WWE@ZackRyder@WWESheamus@USA_Network wait what? As of Thursday this was a US Title match against @RusevBUL

— Matt Dowd (@DarkMatchMatt) July 11, 2016

When you try to ignore something I was really excited for, I’m going to call you on it.  It only got one like, which irritated me, but as often as those comments disappear on their Twitter, I’ll take my one and move along.

Sheamus takes on Mr. Woo Woo Woo, and wins, only for Rusev to charge to the ring and lock on the Accolade and yell that he accepts the challenge.  I guess Zack Ryder gets a US Title match at Battleground?  I don’t know, whatever.  Ignoring the fact that Ryder’s match was supposed to be tonight is irritating.

Lucha Dragons take on FaBreeze

Stop correcting me.  It’s FaBreeze damn it.  Breezango makes no sense and has zero corporate sponsorship.  Someone has to pay for that seasonal residence in Monte Carlo.

Everything I read tells me that the powers that be in the back put them together as a joke, but that they are incredibly high on this team.  They’re sort of in a hole now where they committed too heavily to The New Day and they’ve got to work on this thing with the Wyatt Family, then you’ve got Enzo and Cass too.  So you’ve got this wealth of Tag Teams where there didn’t used to be many at all, and they’re out of things to do with them.  I hope that FaBreeze keeps this momentum and doesn’t end up screwed like the VaudeVillians.

Kalisto botched the (Ring Bell Sound) out of a springboard.  That was awful.

As you’d likely expect, the heels win with a weird super kick to Kalisto’s nuts, and then an odd powerbomb thing off the ropes.  That was weird.  But FaBreeze wins.

If you’re not watching it live, here’s what you’re missing:

Oh yeah, how have I not pointed this out:

John Cena hosts the Espys this week.

How many talk shows does WWE need on Raw/Smackdown?

The answer: The have no answer.

Seth Rollins is now going to host the “Rollins Report” as he’s “sitting on a bombshell about the Roman Reigns saga…..He has no set.  Where’s his Mitch?  Anyway, it’s a poorly edited together clip of him asking questions to a bunch of other Roman interview clips.  It’s not a great idea, but it’s vaguely comical.  So at least we got a moderate laugh out of one of their poorly conceived ideas.

But everyone can tell, which means that Dean Ambrose is on his way out to interrupt it….in 3..2..ohp there it is.

I don’t know why they are trying to make a joke of Ambrose.  He’s the champion, he’s earned that title and his place in the company.  He’s a fan favorite, and he’s been a consistently hard worker.  Why are they trying to make a joke of it?  It’s not like Darren Young getting an IC match on account of doing dumb ass promos with a washed up old fart, but it’s still (Ring Bell Sound).

“I proved a long time ago that I’m more than just a joke…”  – Dean Ambrose

But you’re not.  They are literally just making a joke of you.  You interrupted a decent match to talk about people parking 87 pick up trucks in a fire lane and other such dumb (Ring Bell Sound).  

This looked to be headed to a match tonight for the title, but instead Rollins dove out of the ring and said they’d do it on his time, next week on Raw.  Typical, but at least you’ve got one reason to watch next week, even though Cole said “we will have to see what the powers that be think about that” so I’ll assume that Ambrose has to face Sheamus next week.

Kevin Owens is a Boss…unless he’s in the ring with Cesaro

Sami Zayn comes to ringside for commentary, but Owens refuses to go to the ring until he’s escorted away.  Sami apparently has authority from Shane to be there, but Steph sent the officials out to cart him off.  As he heads towards the ramp, Owens starts his entrance.  They vaguely square off on the ramp, but it gets broken up quickly.

Tear that suit away you bad ass.  I am always in the Cesaro section.  This will be a good match.

I don’t need to tell you what this match was.  I did have to mute it because the commentary team was annoying as (Ring Bell Sound) debating whether Kevin Owens was a pansy for the whole Sami Zayn ejection.  

Kevin Owens got the win with a killer spinning neckbreaker.  He pulled an Owens and went to the announcers table to steal Byron’s headset and talk about how great he is, only for Zayn to come out of nowhere and dive over the barricade.  After getting his licks in, Owens attempted to escape into the ring, but Cesaro got ahold of him for a wicked Superman Spin.

Could Sami be the new Tyson Kidd?  I’d be on board with a CeZayn team.  And yes, I just applied them a FaBreeze-esque team name.  They could also be referred to as absolutely (Ring Bell Sound) amazing.

It’s going on 10:00 ET and Vince just got to the arena.  They’ve duped us again (see last week’s Smackdown recap).

I’ve started adding commercial breaks to my Raw Recaps.  And if you don’t watch Raw live on USA, you’re missing out on the opportunity to truly experience the fact that they advertise their own shows WITH ZERO SHAME WHATSOEVER!

Something Something Titus O’Neal Something Bo Train Something Something Oh My God WHYYYYYYYYYYY?????????

Big E is shooting Positivity all over the Wyatt Compound

That’s not at all what this was.  This was a Klan meeting that three black dudes stumbled on in the woods.  I think it is absolutely the wrong time in America for the entirety of what this sequence was.  Byron Saxton was not ok with it either, not in the slightest.  The larger black gentleman behind the commentary team is not having it either.

I’m actually really not ok with this in the slightest.  I mean, at least with The Final Deletion it was just some insane redneck who seems convinced he’s Latin American facing off against his brother that just wants to be left alone to mow his grass with silky smooth precision.

They’s a Couple of Hataz

This was a great promo from Cass.  The idea that if someone is going to take Cena’s mountain they have to earn it is really respectable, and you have to appreciate it that they’re writing a respectable story.

On the contrary, this new The Club version of AJ Styles is some sort of douche that gets his lines from Gronk or something.

Also, Detroit ain’t Sawft is the best sign of the month.  Nobody is going to beat it.

Enzo and Cass vs The Club (Anderson and Gallows)

Little confused by the crowd and it’s battling “AJ Styles/AJ SUCKS” chant.  Clearly the latter is not the case.

Now we’re into a “We Want Cena/No We Don’t”.  Make up your mind Detroit….I guess that’s a pretty big ask for the city of Detroit.

AJ is a piece of (Ring Bell Sound) now that he’s gone heel.

This match was ok.  I’m seriously starting to think that it’s Anderson and Gallows who are so poorly timed in all their matches.  They’re just so static.  It ruined that fatal four way at MITB, and it ruined this match.  There’s a possibility that this match picks up after the SECOND COMMERCIAL BREAK SINCE IT STARTED, but I don’t see it.

Cass is probably my third favorite hot tag in the WWE right now, behind Jason Jordan and Big E.  Jordan is so athletic and has such fantastic pure energy that you love it when he comes in and pulls off the big ring clearing hot tag.

AJ attacks Big Cass and throws him in the crowd.  The Club has Enzo circled.  AND HERE HE COMES!!!!!!!!!!!

He clears the ring and launches in with a How You Doin? chant.  It gets no better.  I love John Cena.

See, he likes what he hears.

While we’re talking about John Cena, has anyone read these crazy websites about John Cena being a Demon Worshiper or a member of the Illuminati?  Apparently holding up 6 fingers isn’t just a representation of “Hustle, Loyalty, Respect” on each hand, but a 6 to represent the number of the beast (no, not Brock Lesnar).  I don’t see it but I’m also not absolutely insane.

Please Please Please Please watch NXT on Wednesday.  Even if you read spoilers, please watch this match.  It’s going to be something you will never forget.

Finn Balor V Shinsuke Nakamura

Wow.  I can’t wait.

Sasha and Dana….

Sasha’s promos are awful.  They are getting worse too.  At least she’s a good wrestler, because she’s a garbage character.

“Wow, Dana is dressed like a (Ring Bell Sound) mermaid hooker” – Daisy, who was kind enough to watch Raw with me.

Can we address the fact that they still haven’t given a legitimate storyline in this Diva’s Revolution aside from “My Daddy is better than your Uncle”?  And that wasn’t even a legitimate storyline, but that’s the closest they’ve come to something of meaning.

Half Hearted Commentary about the Divas Revolution giving way to a Women’s Revolution is only making it worse.  Dana tapped and Sasha won clean, which is surprising, but the whole thing just constantly has me like:

No chance, that’s what ya got

Vince McMahon gives no (Ring Bell Sound) about what you think.  Get over it already.

All three McMahon’s are in the ring, in Detroit.  Isn’t this well timed?  Shane made his surprise return in Detroit.  What is with their weird love for Detroit?

So we’re closing the show with some Family Drama.  Stephanie’s claim to Smackdown is basically that she thinks he’s a piece of (Ring Bell Sound).  Shane’s is that he represents change.  He wants a drum roll to ponder.  Is he going to give it to Hornswoggle?

…………………………………………………………..

So he does exactly what I expected, and he named Shane the commissioner of Smackdown.  But why were they both so hard up to run Smackdown?  There are two brands.  Because Stephanie was going to get Raw.  I called this in my Mock Draft 1.0.

He wants them to compete against each other, which is also expected.  Next week on Monday Night Raw, they each have to name their own GMs, so I guess you’ll see the return of The Game on Monday Night.  And Shane picks Hogan in a triumphant return.

Steph also got some instant karma when she slapped Shane and tried to leave because she tripped on the ring steps.  That was pretty funny.

Final Thoughts

Commercials:  Can I point out that I started Raw at 8:50 and caught the live broadcast at 10:04?  That’s entirely too many commercials.  Make this broadcast 2 hours and simply fill it with quality content….and yes, that means to stop doing these dumb ass talk shows.

Happy Trails, Captain:  I generally wouldn’t do this, mostly because it doesn’t fit the theme of the site, but I’ve got to bring attention to some big sports news today.

Tim Duncan retired today.  I am not at all an NBA fan or a fan of the Spurs.  I want to point out most importantly that he did it like a true champion should, he played like a champion with the heart and determination he’s shown for two decades and then he quietly retired with his family at his side.  He didn’t make a season long spectacle.  He’s been classy throughout the entirety of his tenure in the NBA and I have the upmost respect for the way he handled such a major decision.

Chrisley Knows Best: It comes on USA some night at some time.  I’m not sure what night or what time, but at this point if they don’t start paying us for all this promotion it’s going to get ridiculous.