Red Brand Summerslam Go Home – A Raw Recap (8/15/2016)

Well, my entire body is sore and I’m kind of exhausted from The Dark Match Cruiserweight DietBet Challenge, and we’re two weeks away from The Dark Match Brand Swap when I’ll take over Smackdown, so this one is likely gonna get weird by the time this show goes off the air at 11:15 ET.

Live from Corpus Christi, Texas, Raw starts with two recaps, one of the Roman Reigns – Rusev feud that’s led to Sunday’s United States Championship match, and the second showing Seth Rollins promo from last week and the prerecorded Irish history lesson Finn Balor gave.  Then it launched into the random Seth Rollins monologue “Recorded Earlier” about finding the Demon King.  These are weird.  Probably wouldn’t be so bad if they weren’t so long.

Once we’ve gotten through what’s basically the recap of the last week, since you had to expect this was a treading water episode anyway with Summerslam this week, Rusev is in the ring saying he’ll stand in the ring and keep Raw from happening until Roman comes out to apologize.  He does for a bit, until Mick Foley comes out, finally plaid clad like you expect this Sasquatch Foley to be.

Rusev is pretty much holding the opening of the show hostage, and he’s crapping on Foley’s authority claiming that Roman has been given chance after chance after chance, and never done anything worthy of a title shot.  Then he calls out Stephanie McMahon to set Foley straight who stands with Mick Foley, and then Roman makes his way out.  He makes some more offhanded comments about Lana being a mail order bride, then the two almost come to blows.  So that Foley can get his cheap pop, he announces that the title match would still take place Sunday, but the exact same match would happen tonight for Lana’s honor.

Sheamus vs Sami Zayn

Byron is in the ring for one of the prematch interviews that we like so much with Sheamus, and in typical Sheamus fashion, he’s fired up and angry.

Sami makes his way out to the ring.  I didn’t understand where this match came from, then they let me know:

I’ve got a lot of respect for @WWECesaro. Sheamus, not so much. I don’t really like Sheamus. I don’t think anyone really likes Sheamus. #Raw

— Sami Zayn (@iLikeSamiZayn) August 15, 2016

Yes, this match is the result of a Twitter beef.  Cesaro is out on commentary for this one.  He’s really been working on how clearly he speaks.  I know it was an issue for him in the early days.

Sheamus has literally just kicked the crap out of Sami for the vast majority of this match.  I think this has to be part of the build to Cesaro and Sheamus at Summerslam, probably in the prematch, or in my hypothetical Fatal Four Way for the United States Championship which I’m still predicting, but Sami is still kicking out at two repeatedly.  OH Blue Thunderbomb.  He’s calling for the helluva kick, so he’s going to take a Brogue Kick.  Also, Michael Cole has botched the calls on three or four moves throughout this match and Corey Graves has had to cover for him.  Cesaro down with the distraction and Sami gets his kick in and the win.

Y2JeriKO in the back with Tom Phillips

First, Tom Phillips is a dork, but we now know that Kevin Owens has a one-on-one match with Big Cass.

Enzo better watch out for “it” tonight at ringside.  They’ve also called Tom every name they can think of for generic white dudes.

Oh Canada!

Oh Good God

You know how I constantly complain about the booking, and Randy Orton complained about it, and Sheamus has complained about it, and we’ve all complained about how people have to face the same people over, and over, and over, and over, and over……well if you aren’t in that group, then your prayers have been answered because now Cesaro and Sheamus have been placed in a best of 7 match tournament that starts at Summerslam and will undoubtedly still be going come Wrestlemania.

Xavier Woods and Kofi Kingston against The Dudleyz

When I performed a GIPHY search for New Day, this was the first one that came up and it was like 3 pages down.  In fact, it was so far down the list that New Day had won this match before I even got it posted on this recap.  Trouble in Paradise as Kofi gets the pin and the win over D-Von Dudley.

After a second Drs. Gallows and Anderson videos, Kofi and Xavier cut a fired up promo.  They’ve held those belts since Summerslam last year though, so there’s no way in hell they keep it on Sunday.

Obligatory Todd Chrisley Commercial Break

Nia Jax has a match against Rachel Levy….and no, you won’t have to remember her name.  

Done.  Complete waste of time.  Does Hulu cut this crap out?  Both this and the Braun Strowman shit that isn’t worth the 5 minutes of TV time it gets?  This is only to build to the eventual Bayley call up as she’s still got a score to settle there.  I have no idea what the point of the Strowman crap is.

Welcome to Suplex City

I’m scared.  Can I go home now?

#Outtanowhere.  Do the right thing and let Orton come back strong.

Hahahahaha, Heath Slater will get a Raw Contract and a match at Summerslam if he can win a match tonight, in Corpus Christi, Texas, against Brock Lesnar.  And Lesnar and Heyman are trying to completely ignore him.  He’s going to get mauled.  This is going to be awesome.  I thought they were just going to send Heath Slater back to the Twitter feed and #HitSlatersMusic.  I like “I have kids that depend on me” desperation Heath Slater.

Holy crap, Brock Lesnar is speaking for himself, and he’s dropping un-PG words on live TV.  Brock Lesnar doesn’t give a shit about your kids.  And now Slater is on a one way trip to Suplex City.  So if we can get Paul Heyman back in the ring now, we can get back to the Heyman promo.

This is some quality camera work to follow Brock Lesnar’s swaying head without losing it, even if it made me sort of dizzy.

Typical work from Heyman, but he’s the best at what he does, and that’s talk about how violent and crazy Brock Lesnar is, as if we need to be told.

He’s seven foot tall, so I gues it doesn’t matter that he can’t spell

Look, I know that Kevin Owens and Chris Jericho don’t read my recaps, but seriously, I feel like every time I bring something up it ends up on Raw like a week later.  I’m like the mark Nostradamus…and no I’m not going to merge those in to some sort of cute word.  That would be lame.

Markstradamus!

Told you it might get weird.

I don’t know why I’m finding terrifying images and gifs tonight, but Cass is a big, scary dude too.

So these two teams will meet at Summerslam, but tonight it is Big Cass against Kevin Owens.

You knew this one had to deteriorate, and Jericho made his presence known early.  When Jericho later attacked Enzo from behind, it took Cass out of the match after Jericho and the Canadian dream team took over offensively, taking Cass down, Superkick from Owens and a Codebreaker from Jericho.  Hopefully Enzo has a little more fight on Sunday night, because Jericho pushed him down and he was just out for the entire beating Cass took.

Rusev don’t need no stupid ring

Roman is mid interview backstage about wanting the Big Fight and beating Rusev’s ass when Rusev pounces and attacks.  What’s the deal with Roman’s eye?

Bob Backlund couldn’t make Darren Young Great Again

So now he’s going to make the Primetime Players great again, because nothing is forward thinking quite like an old white man barking orders at young black men.

This match is the Primetime Players against The Puerto Rican Travel Agents, so I’m not going to pay any damned attention whatsoever.  I don’t get paid for this and I don’t have to do anything I don’t want to do.

It was a trap, and Titus turned on Darren Young mid-match.  The Waining Stars win.

Kali-ma, Kali-ma-Shakti-de

You have to love the WWE.  “Oh, he’s an indian guy?  Put him in a headdress and give him some Temple of Doom music.”  You know that sentence has been spoken in a creative meeting.

Now Jinder Mahal will take on Neville, the man that gravity forgot.  Mostly because gravity is a scientific concept and not a sentient being, thank god.  How terrifying would a force so strong be if it could just up and decide it didn’t like you and could squash you like a bug?  Or forget you so that you float of into the atmosphere and burn up.

This both represents my last statement and my current state of delirium.

Neville wins with the Red Arrow.

Seth is still looking for the Demon

And we find out that Jon Stewart will be Raw’s guest at Summerslam.

Foley plays mind games with Rollins and convinces him to go to the ring and call out the Demon King.

That may officially be my favorite non-Chrisley gif ever.

I don’t see any way they’re going to ruin the Demon reveal on Raw with Summerslam in less than a week.

Uh, what the hell just happened?  Did a fan run into the ring?

Holy shit they actually did it.  They just gave the Demon away 6 days early.

It’s sort of Demon-lite, as I’d expect it to be much more dramatic on Sunday, but still.  The two go back and forth after an abbreviated Demon entrance, and Balor looked huge after this segment, so Rollins will get the win on Sunday.

Drs. Gallows and Anderson vs Team Golden What’s Up

How old is damn Golddust?  I was watching The Rock anthology on WWE Network at the gym the other day and Golddust was part of The Rock’s first match as a well known superstar at the time.  Let me hit the Wikipedia…

Wow, he’s only 47.  I’m surprised.  This match was incredibly short, and then New Day came out to attack The Club.  Gallows made sure to save the pickle jar containing “Big E’s Testicle” and I’m fairly sure that Xavier just killed Francesca 2.0.  And yes, I put a Howard the Duck gif in here for no reason whatsoever and I laughed my ass off for probably three straight minutes, which delayed my Wikipedia search.

I want Corey Graves’ suit

This is not a segment of the recap, just pointing it out.

Charlotte vs Alicia Fox (yes, she’s still around) with Sasha on Commentary

Sasha sounded obnoxious as all hell.  They need to clear up her character, because if she keeps acting like a jackass then they’re going to have to just heel turn her, which makes no sense unless we’re going to see Bayley next Monday, which is feasible with Bayley rounding out her feud with Asuka on Saturday.

After the quick win, Charlotte calls Sasha down, Dana Brooke comes out of the crowd and takes a shot at Sasha and then Charlotte locks in a lengthy Figure 8.  While the crowd may think that “Charlotte sucks” I would almost rather them put the belt back on her and figure out what the hell they want to do with Sasha, because her character can’t toe the line like Ambrose.

So Lana is just going to wear Wedding Dresses for the rest of eternity?

That Summerslam match poster with Rusev and Roman looks like Roman is pretty heavily photoshopped.  That or the Adderal really got to him.

So Roman looked like he’d been straight murdered in the back stage area earlier, but he’s out and bringing the Big Fight.  The two end up on the outside brawling before the match even gets officially started.

Rusev is pretty well on top just like he was in the backstage area.  You can hear all the children in the audience yelling for Roman, but Rusev is really brutalizing Roman in this one.  Rusev is trying to break Roman’s left arm.  They’ve been on the outside for freaking ever, why is there no count going?

We’ve gone to commercial for a second time in this match, so it’s time for a Dark Match commercial break.

 And I can’t find it, but if you haven’t seen the new Taco Bell commercial with the hipster fondue party, I think Mike from that commercial is my new favorite Taco Bell character ever, as he’s like, “suck it hipster, I’m gonna eat this burrito.”

Back from commercial, and Rusev is seriously Crushing.  This has to be one of the longest matches ever on Raw.  Rusev hit like a half dozen flying facedrops on Roman for a two count, the massive kicks a number of times for a two count, Reigns has hit Superman punches and the big samoan drop for a two count.  This thing may go forever, and I almost don’t mind it.  I wish it was slightly faster paced if it was going to go this long,

But you know how this goes.  #RomanGonnaRoman.  #LolRomanWinz.  Sorry Catherine Joy Perry of Gainesville, Florida, your husband just lost.

But that match was pretty damn great.  If Roman can keep this level of performances up, the audiences will start to get back behind him.  Between this and the feud with AJ Styles, he’s already winning me back over now that they’re just letting him be him and show that he really kind of is a bad ass.

Tune in tomorrow night for Jeremy’s take on Smackdown.  Same Dark Match Time, Same Dark Match Channel.