One hand in the air for the big city: SummerSlam 2016 Predictions #HitSlatersMusic

WWE has an odd pattern with their SummerSlam posters as I’ve indicated in some of my recaps from the last few years.  Roman Reigns is pictured but not the actual champion he’s in a match against.  Seth Rollins is pictured but not Finn Balor.  Ambrose but no Ziggler.  It’s just confusing.  But let’s not read too much into it, because like some of their most recent promo posters and merch and other things, they don’t tend to actually foreshadow events like you’d think they would.

Now that I’m done with my poster bashing, we’d like to welcome two new participants to our prediction post this month, as Daisy and Jeremy’s friend Lance will be joining us for some of the matches.  Lance does not watch wrestling.  He might have in his youth, I just feel like we all did at some point, but he does not watch now and does not really know any of these people (aside from media mainstay/internet whipping boy John Cena, Randy Orton for the wonder that is the RKO Outta Nowhere clips, and Brock Lesnar because he tends to dominate ESPN when there’s a UFC fight).  Daisy normally checks out once Enzo and Cass aren’t on that evening’s episode of Raw, so she has some vague familiarity with the rest of this but obviously not like the die hard marks that we’ve become.  Fresh blood.  I like it.  Now let’s get straight to this.

No, this isn’t actually happening, so why is WWE SummerSlam Twitter trying to break my heart?

SummerSlam Two-Hour Kickoff Show

Neville & Sami Zayn vs The Dudley Boyz

Matt:  Uh….where the hell did this match come from?  I mean, I can’t vote against the team of Zayn and Neville, even if they weren’t against this pair that has sort of made a name for themselves of late helping younger teams get over, but Neville and Sami aren’t a team, this is just kind of random and it seems like it has no purpose other than getting Neville and Sami some SS screen time.   Neville with the Red Arrow coming off a Helluva Kick

Daisy: So unfortunately I don’t have any crazy insight into what the WWE writers are ever thinking. My picks are basically just who I like the most, not at all who I think will win based on what way the story line is leaning… because I have absolutely no clue! I heart Sami Zayn. I have no idea how he was paired with Neville and how that will look against a tag team that is as old as dirt but I still say Sami and Neville for the win.

Jeremy: I didn’t read Matt’s prediction except for the bold.  I need to see this.  Neville with the Red Arrow coming off a Helluva Kick

Every Tag Team Ever.  

American Alpha, The Usos & THE HYPE BROS vs FaBreeze, Ascension & Vaudevillians

Matt:  WE DON’T GET HYPED, WE STAY HYPED!  HYPE RYDER ALL DAY EVERY DAY.  I do think it does a disservice to the amazing talent in this match by having all twelve of them at once, and doesn’t really establish anyone as the front runners for the forthcoming tag team titles, which should be around by at least Backlash.  I also hate that Breezango was on such a hell of a rise in the tag ranks and now this is the best they are getting.  They work incredibly well together and given all of Breeze’s time in NXT alongside Mojo and having worked with Ryder, I think they would put on one hell of a regular tag team match.  And American Alpha is going to be good against anybody.  But they’ve clearly thought the only way to solidify the heel and face alignments was in a match like this, with EVERY DAMN BODY IN THE RING AT THE SAME DAMN TIME.

Daisy: I have no emotions towards any of these people other than maybe American Alpha. I saw them at NXT once and I like that they are legit athletes and seem like decent people. They made a point to look around and acknowledge anyone wearing their merch after their match. They seemed appreciative. So I hope the American Alpha side wins. I know Matt has an obsession with the Hype Bros (who seem like obnoxious Frat Bros to me) so I guess we will all be happy if that side wins.

Jeremy:  Hype Ryder followed by a Grand Amplitude for the win.  Sure, that’s pretty much exactly what happened on Smackdown but I’ll take it.

I have zero photoshop skills, but given Thursday’s announcement that All Red Everything has been suspended for 30 days, this match is now:

Becky Lynch, Carmella & Naomi vs Natalya, Alexa Bliss & TBA (or a 3 on 2 handicapped match according to Wikipedia)

Matt:  In all honesty, much like WWE uses her for so much promotional stuff but not actually wrestling, I might as well leave Eva Marie in the poster here.  I’m a huge fan of Alexa Bliss, but she’s on the losing side in this one, as there is no way team Blue isn’t working towards a women’s belt with the Irish Lass Kicker at the helm of their division.  Bada Bing, Hottest Team in the Ring.  ‘Mella, Naomi and Becky Lynch with Lynch getting the submission win over Natalya.

Daisy:  I used to really like Natalya but she has been so whiny and annoying lately I honestly cant stand her. Sneaking up on Carmela from behind? Yeah, not a good look at all. I agree with Matt. Becky will put Natalya in her place. Irish Lass Kicker and friends for the win.

Jeremy:  I mean, this match was going to intentionally fall apart when Eva Marie was tagged in, right?  Bex with a Dis-Arm-Her for the win.

Cesaro vs Sheamus (Match 1 of the Best of 7)

Matt: What’s in the parenthesis says so much.  These two guys are better than being trapped in a purgatory against one another for the foreseeable future.  I don’t even see the point in picking a winner here, that’s like caring who takes game one of the World Series or the NBA Finals, doesn’t tend to change the outcome.  Wild Guess: Cesaro

Daisy: Sheamus is a male version of Natalya. So damn whiny. Side note… why does Sheamus have white eyebrows when the rest of his hair is red? It doesnt make sense and its a creepy, Powder-ish look. Please Cesaro, shut that pasty obnoxious man down. #CesaroSection

Jeremy:  Sheamus is going to take this first one.  He’s lost the last two encounters with Cesaro.  I expect Cesaro to get a deficit of two loses before he starts picking up wins.  I say this with someone that has Cesaro on my fantasy team.

The Miz (C) vs Apollo Crews for the Intercontinental Championship

Matt:  I applaud the fact they actually seem to have direction for Apollo Crews, The JackedRobat, on the main roster, but I think this is a leap, especially with how many big spots he’s botched in his brief time since his call up.  Miz won’t win clean, but Miz will win.

Daisy: I love Apollo! He is an amazing athlete. The Miz is more of an actor than a wrestler. Based on pure athleticism, Apollo should win. Matt is probably right tho, the Miz and is side kick Maryse will do something shady I’m sure.

Jeremy:  Every time I feel down on The Miz, he surprises me.  He’s a solid worker, not great, not bad, but he’s one of the one true heels.  No one really likes him.  I suspect Mike Mizanin is a swell dude, but The Miz is gold.  There’s been absolutely no buildup to this match.  I don’t expect the title to change hands.  It’ll be a solid performance for both but it’s one you can take a break during.  Miz retains.

Enzo Amore & Colin Cassady vs Chris Jericho & Kevin Owens

Matt: I don’t know how to pick this one.  I think the company is so high on Big Cass in particular right now that he’s probably as protected as The Pedigree once was as a finisher.  I don’t like picking against Y2JeriKO, but even the gift of Jericho isn’t going to be enough in this one, so nobody is going to get a chance to see “it”.  Big Cass on the hot tag.

Daisy: Ummm this is a no brainer. My absolute FAVORITE pair in wrestling is Enzo and Cass. I still think they are a random pair that can’t spell for crap, but I love them. They are extremely entertaining. Just hilarious. Also, Y2K was 16 years ago. Jericho was an adult wrestling at that time. That’s how old that man is. Y2Geriatric. Notice I have nothing to say about the 4th person in that picture. He isn’t even worth me typing his name. Enzo and Cass will win without a doubt.

Jeremy:  You’d be a stupid idiot not to pick Enzo and Cass.

The New Day (Xavier Woods & Kofi Kingston) (C) vs Gallows & Anderson for the WWE Tag Team Championship

Matt: Jeremy and I discussed this at length.  As of SummerSlam, New Day would have held the title continuously since the same event last year.  That’s insane, and I don’t think it changes any time soon.  Big E will miraculously appears, fully recovered from his “Ringpostitis”, and helps the rest of team New Day retain.  New Day Rocks

Daisy: New Day Rocks! New Day Rocks! New Day Rocks!

Jeremy:  I actually think The Club pulls this one off.  I’m actually betting big on this for my fantasy team.

Lance:  New Day over The Club – not gonna lie.  Flipped a coin.

Rusev (C) vs Roman Reigns for the WWE United States Championship

Matt:  I think Roman is on the rise again, with the fans and with the company.  They’ve left him to his own thing and it’s working.  He’s fun again, and that match these two had on Raw was pretty damned incredible.  I, in what is probably a first for me since we’ve started this, am going to take Roman Reigns with the Spear.  I truly like this “non-main event” Roman Reigns of late.  I’m not going to order his merch or anything, but he makes me chuckle, and that’s not a bad thing.  That’s pretty much why I like New Day.  Well, that and Big E’s crazy gyrating.

Daisy: Meh. I’m indifferent. I’m not a huge fan of either. If I had to pick, I would say Roman Reigns. He annoys me slightly less than Rusev and Lana.

Jeremy:  We’re not even a full year into the promised 7-year title reign for Rusev.  A win for Ru-Ru sets him up as a top heel for the company, something they desperately need to build.  Plus, I love Rusev. I hope this is a great match.

Lance:  Rusev over Reigns – Rusev has a hype(wo)man.  That aint no joke.  He will win but she will probably get a chair to the face.  Which may DQ Reigns making Rusev win but a hollow victory.

John Cena vs AJ Styles

Matt: Do I have to talk about this one?  You know where I stand.  I think the purpose of this feud was to see if AJ could take the mantle like Cena talked about on Talking Smack the other night, and I don’t know if he’s proven it just yet.  The gimmick with The Club where they basically acted like frat boys wasn’t working for me at all, and it was incredibly detrimental to AJ as a solo performer.  He’s elevated everyone he’s gotten in the ring with, and I think this match will be no exception, and he will put some vintage Cena out of Big Match John.  In the end, Cena gets it done with the AA and The Face Still Runs The Place.

Daisy: I really used to like AJ Styles before he gained this obsession to “Beat up John Cena”. Now he is just a dumb hillbilly bully with a soccer mom haircut. I do think they use John Cena to boost other careers by allowing others to win over him… so maybe Styles will win but since my predictions are solely based on who I like more, John Cena for sure.

Jeremy:  Fun Fact: Cena rarely wins singles matches at Summerslam.  Sure, he defeated the entire Nexus in a ridiculous handicap match.  I think Styles needs the win here more than ever.  Full disclosure:  Styles is on my fantasy team.

Lance:  Styles over Cena – Cena is old and busted.  Styles is new hotness.  Cena is “The Face” but the upset of him losing would be talked about and help the entertainment value.  Setting up a rematch of some sort.

Matt:  I LOUDLY BOO THIS MAN LANCE.

Sasha Banks (C) vs Charlotte for the WWE Women’s Championship

Matt: You know, initially I wrote up an entire paragraph where I basically said Sasha is holding this belt until Wrestlemania where she would defend against Bayley.  The more I think about this one, I think there is some legitimate value in giving the belt back to Charlotte for another bit and trying to build Sasha for another while.  She’s got all the face cred, but there’s something about her that still doesn’t work for me, and I think she needs to have the underdog vibe that got Ambrose where he is and it feels right.  I’m going to go against the grain on this one and send the belt back to team Woooooooo!  

Daisy: I dislike Charolette almost as much as I dislike Kevin Owens, and thats a lot. I used to think Sasha’s “Legit Boss” tag was way too cocky and obnoxious but she’s actually pretty fierce… haha Sasha Fierce (wrestling fans might not get my Beyonce reference but it was by accident and it just cracked me up). Sasha might be tiny but she’s got skills and an attitude to back it up. Sasha Banks for the win.

Jeremy:  Legit boss gets it done with a Banks Statement.  I expect a great crowd and a great match for this one.  Maybe, just maybe, Charlotte tries to pull something dirty and Bayley pops up to make sure it doesn’t happen.  Who knows?!

Lance:  Banks over Charlotte – This was a tough one.  On one hand you got Ric Flairs daughter.  She will know her stuff. But Banks is a cousin of the Dogg.  And her nickname is “Legit Boss”.  If you call yourself Legit Boss you have to back that up or you are just a pansy ass.

Brock Lesnar vs Randy Orton

Matt: This one is hard for me to pick.  Randy is coming back off extensive leave.  Brock is about out of dates on his contract.  It does more harm than good for Brock to steamroll Orton, but that’s what they always let Brock do.  I’m picking Orton here because I’m hoping for once they do the right thing.  Somehow he will flip out of an F5 into an RKO Outta Nowhere.

Daisy: Okay if this was real life, Brock Lesnar would annihilate anything that displeased him and crossed his path. I don’t have a favorite here really but Lesnar is a beast. There is no way Randy Orton would win in real life. I can see the point in having Randy win if Lesnar is one foot out the door anyways, but I can also see the flip side of things. If Lesnar is completing his contract maybe he will go out with a bang. I think if a writer tried to pitch him the idea of his last big match being a loss he would end them. So even though I am alone here, I vote Lesnar.

Jeremy:  I need Randy Orton to win.  F5 into an RKO Outta Nowhere.

Lance:  Orton over Lesnar – Man is a legend killer.  Can’t go against that.

Dean Ambrose (C) vs Dolph Ziggler for the WWE World Heavyweight Championship

Matt: I’ve thoroughly enjoyed the push they’ve let Ziggler have, and this new passionate/determined version of him.  That said, I think they expect Ambrose to carry Smackdown for a while to come.  We’ll find a way to get back to the Shield Triple Threat by Wrestlemania, but in the meantime, the focus is going to be on Ambrose as the fighting champion.  Dirty Deeds

Daisy: I like both of these guys a lot.  So far I have predicted 2 belts being retained and 2 belts swapping hands. So this really is a up in the air in my mind. Dean Ambrose just got the belt recently though. Meh, I would be happy with either winning… but I will go with Dean Ambrose on this one. Dolph can be an underwear model, just let Dean keep the belt, lol.  He needs it more.

Jeremy:  Argh…I like that this match has made me feel like anything can happen in this match.  I think if there’s any huge surprise, it can be this match.  It will be kind of nuts if Dolph wins it.  I still think it will be Dean but this one could be surprising.

Lance:  Ziggler over Ambrose –  Man’s name is Dolph.  Reminded me of Dolph Lundgren who killed Apollo Creed.  You never go against a Dolph.  Never.

The Demon Finn Balor vs Seth Rollins for the WWE Universal Championship

Matt:  No words, just gif.

Daisy: Seth is narcissistic, egotistical and just plain annoying. Finn Balor is new, refreshing and crazy entertaining. This will be a long match but I think the Demon King will win in the end.

Jeremy:  Demon King.  I have both Seth and Balor on my fantasy team.  I’m getting points either way.

Lance:  Finn is a dumb name.  Even in Glee it was dumb.  Rollins.

Matt:  Not so fast, my friend.  At the very least, let’s not speak ill of the dead.

In lieu of our usual final thoughts:  The Dark Match Cares

For our SummerSlam predictions, The Dark Match wanted to take the opportunity to talk about something uncomfortable.  Something that is being heavily ignored by the mainstream media but demands attention.

This is Heath Slater.  Heath Slater is currently unemployed, with three mouths to feed, including two beautiful daughters.  Please join The Dark Match in reigniting the fire that was #HitSlatersMusic on social media, and help this man find gainful employment so they don’t take his kids away, and so he can continue paying hush money to the women who’ve mothered his other 8-12 children, Heath isn’t exactly sure.