If I Can Make It There, I Can Make It Anywhere – Summerslam 2017 Predictions

There’s an incredibly long card for Summerslam 2017, so beyond the Ol’ Blue Eyes lyric, I won’t waste anybody’s time with puns.  Let’s start predicting this monster card.

WWE Summerslam 2017 Kickoff Show

If you’re on the East Coast, this damn show starts at 5 PM, and I don’t see it finishing up until well after the usual 11 PM end time.  I’ve got to admit, whoever thought that these three matchups were the best way to 1) sell the network and 2) get the crowd amped up for the Summerslam broadcast needs a raise, because this is one hell of a set of matches.  So let’s see what we’ve got to help Renee and Sam Roberts round out a two hour kickoff broadcast.

WWE Cruiserweight Championship – Akira Tozawa vs Neville

Matt:  I don’t like that the Cruiserweight title keeps ending up in the kickoff show.  Apparently Austin Aries didn’t either, and now we don’t get to see The Greatest Man Who Ever Lived on 205 Live anymore.  I think Tozawa is a great wrestler, but I don’t really see him as the sort of character that can hold this belt for any length of time, and I really don’t want Titus O’Neil around the Cruiserweight Division any longer than is necessary for this reign to run its course.  Tozawa is not on the Neville level.  There may only be two or three guys on this entire card that are.  Neville, and long may the King reign.

Jeremy: I’ve been watching DragonGate USA clips of fat Tozawa, Moxley (Ambrose), and Reby Sky.  He’s fantastic.  And yes, I’ve been a big fan of Neville, but I want Tozawa to elude Neville a little bit longer.  Tozawa wins with a top rope senton. 

6 Man Tag Team Match: The Hardyz & Jason Jordan vs The Miz & The Miztourage

Matt:  Not thrilled with this match, mostly because I was hoping for another big red brand tag match with The Hardyz, The Revival, The Good Brothers and Sheamus & Cesaro for the belt.  I also don’t like that the IC title will not be defended at Summerslam.  Anyway, this is going to be a Jason Jordan exhibition because they are hoping The Hardyz will help drum interest in this storyline and not have him relentlessly booed when they continue this push.  It isn’t going to work, but we get to watch The Most Exhilarating Tag Team in All of Space and Time delete the obsolete Miztourage.  Jordan will likely get the pinfall, Jeff and Matt will do all the work.

Jeremy: Jason Jordan is going to turn on the Hardys and join the Miztourage.  Please for the love of the wrestling gods let this be what breaks the Hardys.  Miz hits the Skull Crushing Finale on Jeff Hardy for the pinfall, setting up a IC match between the two at No Mercy.

Smackdown Tag Team Championship: The New Day (Xavier Woods & Big E) vs The Usos

Matt:  I love that Xavier is in more of the title matches lately, making use of the freebird rule.  It’s nice to see them change things around from time to time, as watching a team hold a championship for a long time can get sort of stale.  I personally do not want The Usos to win this match, and I want this feud to disappear (and the Usos with it) for a while so some of the other teams on that roster can actually get some screen time outside of The Fashion Files.  I’m going with my heart on this one.  The New Day retains.

Jeremy: The New Day retains for 972 days.  Nope.  That’s not it.  The New Day retain and reDRagon beats the s**t out of everyone?  I don’t know.  I love Xavier and Big E and I think they’ll retain.  I just would like a surprise on this.  I think it will be pretty straightforward.

WWE Summerslam 2017

“The Demon” Finn Balor vs “The Eater of Worlds” Bray Wyatt

Matt:  The entrances for this match alone could last longer than half the matches on this card.  I really wish they hadn’t given away that The Demon was turning up in Brooklyn.  There’s something about hoping for it and having the red lights pulse with the heartbeat sound. You don’t bring out The Demon if he’s going to lose.  Finn Balor via pinfall.

Jeremy:  I’ll agree with Matt.  Bálor was telling the press that he didn’t necessarily think The Demon was coming to SummerSlam.  It was a great misdirect that the WWE wasted.  Whatever.  The Demon is winning.   Yet again, it leaves Bray in an interesting position.

The Big Show vs Big Cass w/ Enzo Amore suspended above the ring in the Shark Cage

Matt:  Yay!  More Shark Cage matches.  Mattel will be thrilled.  I hope this match alone is bookended with Mattel advertisements.  I’m rather indifferent, but Captain Insano shows no mercy.

Jeremy: The Big Show wins by dropping the the shark cage on Big Cass for the win, Wile E. Coyote style.  Enzo turns heel and reunites with Cass, despite that it makes no sense.

Randy Orton vs Rusev

Matt:  I am thoroughly excited for this match.  Orton has been on point over the last several months (could be that time he spend trapped under a fridge in the House of Horrors) and RuRu is always ready to go.  As far as predicting it, this one can go either way.  I don’t think it is detrimental to Randy Orton to take a loss here, even if I don’t think that’s what’s going to happen, but I whole heartedly believe that a win for Rusev would be the first step in getting him back into one of the title pictures.  I’ll go with Rusev via The Accolade.

Jeremy: Thank god that flag match is over and we can just a regular ol’ match with Handsome Rusev.  I like him better than Bulgarian Rusev.  I hear he’s in a match with Randy Orton?  That could be cool.  I think Orton is in Cena mode now and ready to put people over in big matches.  And I’m thankful this won’t be a match where Orton would get his brains bashed in.  But yes, Rusev is going to win with the Accolade.  Orton will hit an RKO, but it won’t be enough for the win.

Smackdown Women’s Championship: Naomi vs Natalya

Matt:  I’m sorry, I just don’t give half a damn about this match.  Naomi’s title reign has been garbage.  She’s fun to watch, she really is, but she’s barely defended the belt and now you get to the second biggest event of the year and she’s putting it up against Natalya, who wouldn’t be any more exciting with the belt.  Smackdown has really let the Women’s Division suffer, contrary to being the land of opportunity.  They’ve definitely got a talent stacked roster and they’re squandering it for what reason I’ll never know.  So I’m making the only prediction that makes this more exciting for me.  Carmella cashes in and leaves Brooklyn as the Smackdown Women’s Champion.

Jeremy: I’ll agree with all these points but I think that this will be the Ambrose Vs. Ziggler WWE Championship match from SummerSlam 2016, with the exception that the Dean/Dolph match at least sounded good on paper.  It’ll be a fine match.  It won’t be exciting.  Natalya will win with the Sharpshooter and that will be it.  Maybe Carmella will try to cash in, but Ellsworth will mess it up.  This is a cool down match, perhaps after the Styles Vs. Owens match.

Raw Women’s Championship: Alexa Bliss vs Sasha Banks

Matt:  I get it, put Sasha Banks in a title match in Brooklyn so that we can try to catch lightning in a bottle again, but the build to this has been so weird, and in all honesty, I was hoping we’d get some further development into the looming Bliss vs Nia Jax contest.  Anyway, I am excited to watch these two in the ring, but I don’t see this belt changing hands just yet.  Alexa Bliss retains.

Jeremy: Sasha and Alexa work the match a little snug, since they don’t really like each other.  Sasha locks in the Banks Statement to gain the submission victory.  She’s your 18 time Raw Women’s Champion!  She’ll lose it back to Alexa on Monday.  Don’t worry.  In all seriousness, I do kind of think that they’ll do this especially since it seems like they’re talking about Bayley and Sasha’s Takeover match a lot.

Raw Tag Team Championship: Cesaro & Sheamus vs The Shield-ish (Dean Ambrose & Seth Rollins)

Matt:  I’m nervous that this Shield reunion is going to break down as quickly as it started and got everyone this excited about it.  If they lose, what happens then?  I don’t think they will, and I think it’ll eventually end up causing a rift in the friendship between Sheamus and Cesaro, which I’m ok with, because as great as they are as a team, they work just as well against each other, and they’re great singles competitors.  The Shield-ish for the win.

Jeremy: I don’t think we’re in for a long title run, but Dean and Seth are definitely going to seal the deal.  I loved this whole run and I want to see this happen.  How do they do it?  Double Powerbomb?  I’m not sure, but it’s going to be great.  Sheamus and Cesaro is a great team to do it with.  Was it a year ago where they were locked in their best of 7 series?  They’ve had a great and unexpected run.  Dean scores the pinfall on this one.

United States Championship: AJ Styles vs Kevin Owens with Shane McMahon as the Special Guest Referee

Matt:  This one feels pretty easy to pick.  I’m buying into the rumor that they’re working towards a Kevin Owens vs Shane McMahon angle, so I’m expecting AJ Styles will retain, and Kevin Owens, blaming Shane for shoddy officiating, will attack the GM, likely ending with The Money going through the announce table via a pop-up powerbomb.

Jeremy: This match might be more nuts than the Big Cass/Big Show shark cage match.  I agree that AJ will retain.  Shane will get some T-Rex punches in before falling off something for no good reason.

John Cena vs Baron Corbin

Matt:  This one is easy, and no, not because I’m a rabid John Cena mark.  Corbin is pissed, Cena is headed to Raw on Monday.  I think Corbin takes out all the frustration of getting cheated out of his Money in the Bank briefcase/opportunity on Cena, Cena turns up on Raw and ignores that it happened so that his next opponent can bring it up while Corbin acknowledges that he ran off Golden Boy Cena and he deserves his rightful title opportunity.  Baron Corbin

Jeremy: So there’s this crazy rumor that Cena loses at Summerslam every year since he single-handedly defeated the Nexus.  I expect this year to be no different.  I do think that Corbin will beat Cena after the match is over to make Cena leave SmackDown.  Corbin hits the End of Days on Cena for the pinfall.

There is one more way this can go.  If Cena wins, I’d say the backstage heat on Corbin is real.  And it won’t just be Corbin’s heat they’re taking out on him.  It’ll also be Enzo’s.  You see, Enzo has too many fans and sells too much merch.  The best punishment they could come up with for him is to suspend him from a cage.

WWE Championship: Jinder Mahal vs Shinsuke Nakamura

Matt:  This prediction nearly requires my Cena-Corbin prediction to go as planned, because Corbin-Nakamura needs to keep going.  I hate the thought that losing the belt might be detrimental to Jinder and all the growth he’s managed, and certainly hope that AJ Styles can get the US Open Challenge on track so Jinder can maintain consistent television time in quality matches for a long while.  Shinsuke Nakamura claims the WWE Championship for Strong Style.

Jeremy:  This is WWE in 2017.  Recycling evil foreign heel characters from the 1980s while having a Japanese man winning the WWE Championship.  What a terrible and equally fantastic thing.  Nakamura wins after delivering a dose of Strong Style to the Singh Brothers, The Great Khali, and Jinder Mahal to become your new WWE Champion.

Universal Championship: Fatal Four Way – Brock Lesnar vs Braun Strowman vs Samoa Joe vs Roman Reigns

Matt:  I’m going to go against the grain here and double predict here.  Brock Lesnar will retain the Universal Championship.  Now wait, I’m not done, and yes I realize that he’s on a collision course with Jon “Bones” Jones in the Octagon.  Brock Lesnar will retain on Sunday night and on Monday, Brock Lesnar will relinquish his belt and resign from the WWE because “he’s beaten everyone WWE has to offer” and won’t waste his time with any more matches against subpar competition.  Lengthy championship tournament should get us to Survivor Series just like when Rollins had to surrender his title a couple years ago.  This will finally give them an opportunity to explore more than these four options at the top.  Or maybe this is just wishful thinking.

Jeremy:  There’s been so many red herrings in the build to his match and most of it involves the UFC and Jon Jones.  So far, Brock is not in the USADA testing pools.  His 6 month probation clock hasn’t resumed.  While I think that Brock will probably win it, I don’t think he should win it.  I think Samoa Joe should win it.  Wrestlemania is for all the fans, casual and otherwise.  Summerslam is for the wrestling nerds.  And I just don’t want Brock to win again after what happened last year.  Let’s put the Championship on Joe, please.  I have no idea how it will happen.  I don’t believe he can hit the Muscle Buster on any of these guys.  That means he have to lock in the Coquina Clutch on someone.  Successfully locking in a submission is problematic in a Fatal Four Way so maybe that won’t work.  I don’t know.  Joe’s going to do it and become your new Universal Champion.  And don’t worry about Brock.  Claims that he’s going to quit are fake.  He’ll show up to fulfill his contract.

Final Thoughts and Predictions:

Matt:  The Undertaker.  I won’t expand.  You know where I’m going with this.

Jeremy:  Dolph Ziggler shows up…somewhere.