Is this going to be 8,000 hours?! – Dark Match Predicts Summerslam

Welcome to the longest Summerslam Ever!

Seriously, how is this not going to be 8,000 hours?  Let’s not waste any time.

The Kickoff!

Raw Tag Team Champions The B-Team vs. The Revival

Matt:  Ugh, I’m exhausted and we’re just getting started.  Also, I’m pissed that all three of these matches are the Kickoff show.  They’re not going to get anywhere near the love they deserve.  I’ve been a Revival mark for a while now, and seeing them actually make use of Dallas and Axel makes me extremely happy.  But Jeremy has it right below, there’s only one team that can call themselves Top Guys, and it is The Revival.

Jeremy: There’s only one pair of Top Guys.  The B stands for “defeated by the Shatter Machine”.

Rusev & Lana vs. Andrade “Cien” Almas & Zelina Vega

Matt:  Tranquilo.  I don’t know who has been working with Lana at the performance center, but she’s already shown vast improvements, and working with Vega has only helped her.  Rusev-Almas alone would be enough to be for a major championship in my book.  That being said, I don’t care if it’s against Balor or Styles or even John Freakin’ Cena, I don’t know that I’m ever going to feel confident in picking against Almas, especially as long as Vega is in his corner.

Jeremy:  I really hope these two prove why they should’ve been on the main card.  It’d rather swap this out with Finn and Corbin personally.  A mixed tag will help get the crowd fired up, for sure.  Almas is on fire, so I think it’ll be a bad Rusev Day for sure.  I forget the name of Almas’ DDT finisher but he hits that for the win.  And I actually think Aiden English stays back for this.  No interference of funny business with this one.

WWE Cruiserweight Champion Cedric Alexander vs. Drew Gulak

Matt:  I don’t necessarily have the time to go back through all of our posts and find the first time, but I’ve called for a Drew Gulak title reign for over a year, at the very least.  And if you aren’t excited about the possibility of a CHAMPIONSHIP POWERPOINT PRESENTATION!!!!! then please just get off this website, there’s nothing for you here because you clearly take yourself and your professional wr….sports entertainment entirely too seriously.  Alexander has been good, but there are probably a half dozen guys in 205 Live that need a run with the belt, and with only one in the division, it needs to start shifting around more often.  And yes, I do mean Buddy Murphy, he’s half a dozen cruiserweights, right?  Drew Gulak for a Better 205 Live.

Jeremy:  I’m sure Matt might have stronger opinions on this but I really think it’s time for Drew to have a run.  Drew submits Cedric to become the first new champion of the night.  It doesn’t last long as The King of the Cruiserweight’s music hits.  Yes, Neville secretly patched things up with the WWE and comes back.  Sure, Drew is also a heel, but everyone is going to be shocked by the return.  Then we roll into…

The Main Card

Elias to perform his greatest song at SummerSlam

Matt:  John Mayer and Bruce Springsteen emerge to confront Elias for name dropping.  The tandem get the upper hand using the numbers game and Samson receives a 3D from the rockers.  (We all know that Bobby Lashley is going to interrupt him and it’ll be a quick match that Angle makes on the fly, which Lashley will win because they’re paying him way too much money to lose on PPVs).

Jeremy:  Elias’ Gramercy Theatre performance might have always been a work but he gets time on the big stage.  The only problem is The Rock is going to interrupt Elias with his own musical performance.  Skyscraper didn’t do so well.  He needs a quick win that doesn’t mess with the insurance of his next project.  Despite the huge pop for The Great One, Elias holds his own and actually bests The Rock, who appears a little rusty.  This hurts Dwayne’s ego.  He takes time off from movies and actually trains for a match at Royal Rumble or Mania.

SmackDown Tag Team Champions The Bludgeon Brothers vs. The New Day

Matt:  To drive interest in the wrestling stuff at DragonCon, Xavier Woods will get the pin over Rowan in this one, and then offer up a rematch during the Thursday Night DragonCon wrestling show to be live Streamed on Twitch and UpUpDownDown.  Actually, I’m going to give my crazy prediction of the night here and say that Summerslam is about to become Undisputed, as the Era shows up to disrupt this match and get themselves lined up for title shot at Hell in a Cell.  The Undisputed Era forever.  

 Jeremy:  The Hammer Husbands run is over.  It’s time once again for the Power of Positivity.  Kofi gets the pin after a well-place Trouble in Paradise.

Finn Bálor vs. Constable Baron Corbin

Matt:  Who fucking cares?

Jeremy:  We’ve watched multi-segment matches between the two for 90 weeks.  I’ll be glad when this is over.  But it won’t be over on Sunday.  Corbin picks up the win with an Ends of Days.  That’ll lead to a Hell in a Cell match where the Demon makes his return

United States Champion Shinsuke Nakamura vs. Jeff Hardy

Matt:  I’m almost certain that I read that Smackdown for Tuesday is the last show with Hardy advertised for a while, as he was going to serve out the shows he was advertised for before he tends to his lingering back issues.  Shinsuke retains, but probably ends up eating an RKO to get Orton in line to get the belt back at Hell in a Cell.

Jeremy: Our favorite dick puncher wins this one with a Kinshasa.  Shinsuke retains.

Daniel Bryan vs. The Miz

Matt:  The worst part about this match is that they ruin the entirety of it if they let Daniel Bryan get the win here, clean or not.  There’s no effective way to go from here if The Miz takes the loss.  He needs this on the road to the WWE Championship again.  The Miz wins, probably after beating Daniel Bryan to death with a baby doll while the referee is incapacitated or some other nonsense.

Jeremy: This arguable should be the main event.  WWE stumbled into some long-form storytelling that they’re terrible at actually planning.  The three video packages on SmackDown this week were amazing.  This is what makes wrestling great.  The only other long-form story they have is Roman failing to become “The Guy.”  That said, The Miz wins this for ultimate heat.

SmackDown Women’s Champion Carmella vs. Charlotte Flair vs. Becky Lynch (Triple Threat Match)

Matt:  Oh my god, I’m only halfway through this card.  Why?  This one is going to have to have one of those dual finish things, like Becky goes for a pin on Carmella as Flair locks in the Figure 8 and gets the tap out.  Something is going to have to get Carmella out of the way and force a one-on-one between Lynch and Charlotte at the next PPV.  That’s my prediction, no bold print.

Jeremy: The rest of this card could be garbage, but if when Becky Lynch makes Carmella tap with the Dis-Arm-Her, I’ll forgive anything.  Charlotte will also turn heel in this match.  Perhaps Asuka shows up after to remind people that she’s not dead?

Intercontinental Champion Dolph Ziggler vs. Seth Rollins

Matt:  Jeremy’s prediction is going to be a little one-sided towards the Shield mates, but I’m just as excited to see what Ziggler’s Summerslam ring attire looks like as I am the return of Ambrose.  I’m going to go with a massive swerve here, and say that McIntyre costs Ziggler the belt.  I think Ambrose and Rollins appear to be confused as all hell as McIntyre walks his way up the ramp without his former partner.  Later in the evening, McIntyre joins Rollins and Ambrose in jumping the barricade and landing the triple powerbomb on Roman through the announce table as McIntyre, Rollins and Ambrose all have a New Shield Heel Turn simultaneously.  Want to see Roman get booed even as the face?  Put him against any of those three.

But all quality writing aside, nothing shocking will happen here and Seth Rollins will get his title back.  

Jeremy:  I think it’s too soon for Dean to turn heel, but his new look is perfect for a heel run at the top.  That said, I think Dean-o neutralizes Drew so Seth can hit The Stomp on Ziggler for the win.  Seth brings back the white jumpsuit for this one to much fanfare.

Braun Strowman vs. Kevin Owens for the MitB Briefcase

Matt:  I’m going to defer to Jeremy on this one, mostly because he typed his first and I like the way it sounds.  I also don’t like being on record as picking against Braun Strowman, ever, because I want the man to go full Austin Aries Quest for Gold, and literally hold every belt on Raw that he wouldn’t have to destroy a woman to get.  Someone is going to help KO here, I just don’t exactly know who.  Some part of me thinks that Triple H might once again help Owens get into position to win the belt, but at the same time, that would mean that the COO would have to lace up to GET THESE HANDS!

Jeremy:  I think this will be a more competitive match than we’ve been led to believe.  Owens will narrowly avoid being destroyed a chair contraption of his own creation, Braun will go through it, and Kevin will capitalize to get the briefcase.  Getting the briefcase off of Braun keeps a cash-in from being a championship sure thing to something that could possibly fail.

Raw Women’s Champion Alexa Bliss vs. Ronda Rousey

Matt:  Unfortunately, if you read my prediction on the Sane-Baszler match for TakeOver, you know where I see this going already.  I 100% oppose putting a belt on Rousey this early, but it almost seems inevitable.  I’m going to predict that all of 2018 has been a work that Bliss and Jax put together, and the two best friends reunite to take out A Bad Woman on the Planet (because I don’t forget that Holly Holm exists) and Alexa retains with an actual pinfall.  I don’t need it to be clean, but I need a loss on Rousey’s record so that we don’t get pidgeonholed into another Asuka situation where the only person we have that is a believable threat is Charlotte.

Jeremy:  Alexa and Carmella both can’t walk out with the championship.  One of them is going to lose.  I chose Carmella to lose so I think Alexa is going to find a way to retain here.  Perhaps Ronda goes crazy and losses sight of the ref counting her out.  The match ends in a No Contest after a double count-out.  A double count-out allows Ronda to look strong while still allowing Alexa to hold onto the championship.

WWE Champion AJ Styles vs. Samoa Joe

Matt:  If Brock is on his way out, and there’s still apparently a possibility he resigns in the hours before Summerslam (because those exist if you can still believe it), AJ will retain simply because he’s already in striking distance of the Lesnar record and a bitter Vince McMahon will want to get the record away from Brock as quickly as possible.  I haven’t been a fan of the build here, especially the idea of bringing AJ’s family into the promos, not because it doesn’t work but because it does, or did, and has numerous times before, but now it just feels incredibly lazy, as evidenced by the massive flop of a “Letter from AJ’s Wife” closing promo on Smackdown this week.  A title change deserves better, and that wasn’t it.  My prediction is that AJ Styles holds this belt until they strategically position The Miz to take it from him.  “I beat a once in a generation performer to become the Champion, so what does that make me?”  Now you want to see Miz-Styles too, don’t you?  AJ retains.  His wife will probably be at ringside and she will slap Joe right before he eats the Phenomenal Forearm and takes a loss.

Jeremy:  I’m going to cut to the chase.  Samoa Joe puts AJ to sleep during hour 5500 of Summerslam to become your new WWE Champion.  Having Samoa Joe as champion would really freshen it up and allow some new challengers.  Plus, I’d really like AJ to push for a HiaC match as a challenger.  It’s something that would actually make sense.  Of course, that means WWE is going to do the opposite and keep the title on AJ.  I stick by my prediction.

Universal Champion Brock Lesnar vs. Roman Reigns

Matt:  I fell asleep, where were we.  Oh, nevermind, I’m going back to sleep.  The only way I give two shits here is if my prediction about a McIntyre-Rollins-Ambrose Shield destroying Roman post match is 100% accurate, and I don’t actually dislike Roman.  I’m actually rather fond of most of what he does, because his booking isn’t necessarily something that is his fault.  Just get the fucking belt off of Brock Lesnar.  Please.  I don’t care how you do it.  Just do it now.  Nicholas from Wrestlemania uses Braun Strowman’s briefcase to cash in and take the title.  

Jeremy:  For the love of god, just make it stop.  What I want to happen is for Roman to win and Owens or Strowman to cash in to win the Universal Championship.  Brock was totally fine when he was a part timer who just wrestled a big match ever now and then.  If Brock wants to do both UFC and WWE, you have to just get this off of him.

But…we’ve been burned before.  So I’m going to predict Brock wins with an F5 and no one cashes in because everything is terrible.

Shucky Ducky Quack Quack Absolutely Bananas Predictions

Matt:  I’ve made several here already, but I’m serious about the New Heel Shield with McIntyre instead of Roman.  Seems like a really quick way to get to a McIntyre-Reigns Universal Championship match, doesn’t it?

Jeremy:  The craziest prediction I have is that they’re actually going to bring out two rings, like War Games, but just do 2 matches at the same time.  The card will still be 4 hours, but it’s better than 9,567 that it’s currently scheduled for.